This was a good day. I went back to the Greek Orthodox Church. The priest wasn't there, so there was no liturgy, but it was still nice. A few of us went to the 43rd Street Deli - the real one. Delicious. I had a really good conversation with the guy who took me to church about language. He's a linguistics grad student who has lived in Russia and South Korea.
Since I was in the mood, I determined that I would explore various language things. I'm so addicted. In addition to studying French, I'm currently dabbling in Italian, German, Spanish, and Chinese. Yes, I have officially begun my studies of Chinese - and by "begun," I mean that I am doing a tiny bit as often as possible. Soon I will be able to say such lofty phrases as "Hello" and "How are you?" I was practicing the tones today. I love it - it's like a three-dimensional language.
Being the nerd that I am, I discovered these wonderful sites:
Chinese Tones
Chinese Characters (This site is absolutely amazing.)
BBC: Real Chinese
ChinesePod
Study Spanish
Mmmm, language...
Then I got to spend time with the amazing Rachel, who has recently returned from Spain. It was so nice to catch up with her. I missed her a lot.
After that, Alan and I made some dinner and watched some Lost. By the time we were done, the music team had showed up for practice. It was a good time. Now I'm just getting ready for bed.
Nothing too exciting, but a lovely Sunday. I have a crazy week ahead, though...
Peace,
Sam
Click to read the rest.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Who would have guessed?
"The essence of what the prophets call 'idolatry' is not that man worships many gods instead of only one. It is that idols are the work of man's own hands - they are things, and man bows down and worships things; worships that which he has created himself. In doing so he transforms himself into a thing. He transfers to the things of his creation the attributes of his own life, and instead of experiencing himself as the creating person, he is in touch with himself only by the worship of the idol. He has become enstranged from his own life forces, from the wealth of his own potentialities, and is in touch with himself only in the indirect way of submission to life frozen in the idols.
The more man transfers his own powers to the idols, the poorer he himself becomes, and the more dependent on the idols, so that they permit him to redeem a small part of what was originally his...Idolatry is always the worship of something into which man has put his own creative powers, and to which he now submits, instead of experiencing himself in his creative act.
They are man's creations; they are valuable aids for life, yet each one of them is also a trap, a temptation to confuse life with things, experience with artifacts, feeling with surrender and submission."
- Erich Fromm, "Alienation," in Marx's Concept of Man
I never knew Marxists knew so much about me.
Peace,
Sam
Click to read the rest.
The more man transfers his own powers to the idols, the poorer he himself becomes, and the more dependent on the idols, so that they permit him to redeem a small part of what was originally his...Idolatry is always the worship of something into which man has put his own creative powers, and to which he now submits, instead of experiencing himself in his creative act.
They are man's creations; they are valuable aids for life, yet each one of them is also a trap, a temptation to confuse life with things, experience with artifacts, feeling with surrender and submission."
- Erich Fromm, "Alienation," in Marx's Concept of Man
I never knew Marxists knew so much about me.
Peace,
Sam
Click to read the rest.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Looters' Follies
You can huff and you can puff but you'll never destroy that stuff.
Finally, I see why, I suppose...
Kid, you better change your feathers cause you'll never fly with those things...
In These Nights... The boys sing - "Hello, emptiness! I heard you're alright.
I heard you're alright.
I've heard of you..."
A body aching, fragile, and pale: dark valleys house its trail.
Why can't you see that a life in art and a life of mimicry -
it's the same thing!?!
The room was crowded, and though you couldn't care less about it,
That much was true.
That month - another version of this miniature Rome to set fire to.
Why did we stop f*cking around?
Girls like gazelles graze.
Boys wearing bells blaze new trails in sound.
I looked up.
I looked around.
A famous Toronto painter shot me down.
"Oh, I've busted my ass on these streets too long," he said.
I set fire to the bed and tore his gown...
Felt some mercurial presence, hitherto unknown.
It was the sun. It was a stone falling through blank space.
It was that jewel-encrusted roan getting in my face.
Looked across the way to The Princess Rooms.
I saw brides and their grooms.
I heard the sound of bells ringing!
Cinders look back fondly upon a house on fire when across
an ocean we go.
We row and we row and we tire.
Now, step out of the darkness and into the light.
Yeah, it's common knowledge I've been doing alright.
No, I can't complain.
On the Eastside, midwives' lives go down the drain all cause our babies are dying...
I lifted the veil to see nature's trickery revealed as pure sh*t
from which nothing ever rose cause nothing ever could.
I swear somewhere the truth lies within this wood.
I swear, Looters' Follies has never sounded so good.
And, win or lose - what's the difference?
- Destroyer
Click to read the rest.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Come on, feel the Illinoise!
Oh. My. Gosh.
I just had the craziest 24 hours I've had in quite a long time. And keep in mind, this is coming from a guy who said, "I think I'll go to Chicago" one weekend and ended up hanging out with Emily.
Around 11:30 am yesterday, Chris, Sarah, and I began a trek to Atlanta to see Sufjan Stevens - by far my favorite American musician. The trip went smoothly, and was filled with shady gas stations, lots of pictures, assorted indie and classic rock music, beef jerky, bottled frappucinos, and laughter. We got to Atlanta somewhere around 4:30 or 5, and drove around for a bit. We ended up eating at the infamous Varsity, thanks to the directions of Chris Gerrard. Chris and Sarah weren't impressed, but I had a good time. I mean, come on, the frosted orange is delicious. We did get hats, though, and we marvelled at the doorless stalls in the bathrooms. Sarah asked this one woman to take a picture of the three of us, and the woman said something like, "Oh, I thought you were going to ask me for a donation or something, and I was like, 'Eww!'"
So then we parked somewhere near The Fox and met up with Chris' friends from RUB. We wandered to a sub shop and hung around for a while. At some point, both Kathleen and JT stopped by to say hello. What a crazy thought - Kathleen, Chris, JT and his crew, RUB folks, Sarah, and me all together at a sub shop in Atlanta. On a Wednesday.
At some point we did more wandering around, and we met up with Emily's sister Megan. That was so much fun, and it was fitting, you know, since I had met Emily's cousins in Illinois. I mean, why would I meet Emily's family members in Florida? That's just lame. We grabbed some coffee and then headed to the show.
I can't even begin to express how amazing this concert was. My Brightest Diamond was, by far, the best opening act I've ever seen. Sufjan came out with about 14 other people - a string section, a brass section, a percussionist, guitarist, bassist, and someone playing a celeste. Sufjan himself alternated between piano, guitar, and banjo.
Despite some sound problems that got resolved eventually, I think he played the perfect set: Sister, The Lord God Bird, Detroit, Casimir Pulaski Day, John Wayne Gacy Jr., Abraham, Palisades, "Majesty, Snowbird" (a new song), Jacksonville, A Good Man is Hard to Find (hooray for Flannery O'Connor!), Seven Swans, The Transfiguration, Chicago, Romulus, That Dress Looks Nice On You.
The range of emotion at this concert was just incredible. Casimir Pulaski Day and John Wayne Gacy were poignant and sad, Palisades built up into a wall of sound that engulfed everyone, and Chicago was like a large scale celebration of one of my new favorite cities. His new song was pure genius, and about 10 minutes long. Romulus was just him on piano, and That Dress Looks Nice On You was a very low-key acoustic performance.
Amazing.
Did I mention that the band was dressed as butterflies, and Sufjan was dressed like a bird? Seriously. They had wings and masks.
We got back to Gainesville around 4:30 am. The ride home was filled with Dark Side of the Moon, Parachutes, Furthermore, Why Should the Fire Die?, and attempts to sleep and/or keep Chris awake.
What a crazy day. So much fun.
Hopefully I can get some sleep and attempt to catch up on my work. I have a paper and exam coming up. Yikes.
Peace,
Sam
Click to read the rest.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
"Peace between the ears. That's why I come."
Today I had to begin an assignment for my Religion junior seminar. It consists of attending a religious ritual, talking to people who attended, and then writing a paper. I originally wanted to go to a mosque, but the best time to go was during class on Fridays. I decided, instead, to go to a Greek Orthodox church. That's been on my agenda for a long time, so this paper was a nice reason to go.
When you walk into the temple, which is shaped like a cross, you immediately leave the material world and enter into a more transcendent place. There are icons in the front and back, candles being lit, and the faint smell of incense.
The liturgy is very engaging, very participatory. It alternates between Greek and English (at this particular parish), which gives it a bit of an otherworldly feeling. One of my favorite lines, which is said often in the liturgy, is: "Let us commit ourselves and one another, and our whole life to Christ our God."
The whole liturgy is building up towards the Eucharist, the mystery of the body and blood of Christ. Several people I talked to said that this was the purpose of the Sunday morning experience (I was cautioned by several people not to call it a service). "It's a celebration of the resurrection," said a few people, and the celebration has its climax during Holy Communion.
I talked to a few people about what their faith expressed on Sunday mornings mean to them. Most could not give me an answer. One person said it best: "If I could explain to you what it means to me, then it would be worthless." Another man gave it his best shot, though. He had grown up in the Orthodox church, and eventually made it his own faith. He said that what kept him coming back was the feeling of peace - "not peace in the world, peace between the ears" - that he felt.
There seems, in Orthodoxy, to be a continual theme of the sacred permeating life, but not mixing with it. "Orthodoxy never stops," said one man. Prayers, fasting, and vespers (a service in the middle of the week) all contribute to the constant devotion to the sacred that culminates on Sunday mornings with the Eucharist, union with Christ. Do Protestants feel like this? There's been a lot of talk over the past few years in American Protestant Christianity about not being a "Sunday morning Christian," about "Jesus wanting all of our life," about "God not being put in a box." But what does that actually mean in a tangible sense to a Protestant? To an Orthodox Christian, it means tangible, real things - like a prayer rope, or the smell of incense, or an icon. What do we Protestants have?
I enjoyed going, and I enjoyed talking to people. I'd like to make this a habit - going to different religious experiences and talking to people about them. It always helps me learn a bit more about myself, about my religion.
Recently I've been feeling like my personal faith is too rational. It's too intellectual. This, I suppose, springs from Presbyterianism being quite rational and intellectual. What I specifically mean is that I rarely feel like anything is sacred. Evangelical Protestantism tries it's best to affirm the value of all parts of life. It attempts to blur the lines between the sacred and profane (profane meaning secular, not religious) so that we see that all of life is sacred in some way. All things were created by God, therefore all things have some element of sacredness. "The holiness of the ordinary," as Walker Percy (a Catholic) once said. I fear, though, that in doing this we've actually lost any grasp of the sacred. The lines have blurred too much, and the profane has penetrated too deeply into the lives of American Protestants.
There is a part of the Divine Liturgy of Orthodoxy that says that we ought to lay aside the cares of this world. One man told me this is when he feels like he moves into the sacred. He feels that we have entered a different world, one where supernatural beings reside. Indeed, I felt like time had stopped, like I was hidden away in a new world.
How can I feel like I'm in a different world when I go to a church that meets in an elementary school? How can I feel like I'm in a different world when a laptop has to be used to run the service?
Thoughts?
Sam
Click to read the rest.
When you walk into the temple, which is shaped like a cross, you immediately leave the material world and enter into a more transcendent place. There are icons in the front and back, candles being lit, and the faint smell of incense.
The liturgy is very engaging, very participatory. It alternates between Greek and English (at this particular parish), which gives it a bit of an otherworldly feeling. One of my favorite lines, which is said often in the liturgy, is: "Let us commit ourselves and one another, and our whole life to Christ our God."
The whole liturgy is building up towards the Eucharist, the mystery of the body and blood of Christ. Several people I talked to said that this was the purpose of the Sunday morning experience (I was cautioned by several people not to call it a service). "It's a celebration of the resurrection," said a few people, and the celebration has its climax during Holy Communion.
I talked to a few people about what their faith expressed on Sunday mornings mean to them. Most could not give me an answer. One person said it best: "If I could explain to you what it means to me, then it would be worthless." Another man gave it his best shot, though. He had grown up in the Orthodox church, and eventually made it his own faith. He said that what kept him coming back was the feeling of peace - "not peace in the world, peace between the ears" - that he felt.
There seems, in Orthodoxy, to be a continual theme of the sacred permeating life, but not mixing with it. "Orthodoxy never stops," said one man. Prayers, fasting, and vespers (a service in the middle of the week) all contribute to the constant devotion to the sacred that culminates on Sunday mornings with the Eucharist, union with Christ. Do Protestants feel like this? There's been a lot of talk over the past few years in American Protestant Christianity about not being a "Sunday morning Christian," about "Jesus wanting all of our life," about "God not being put in a box." But what does that actually mean in a tangible sense to a Protestant? To an Orthodox Christian, it means tangible, real things - like a prayer rope, or the smell of incense, or an icon. What do we Protestants have?
I enjoyed going, and I enjoyed talking to people. I'd like to make this a habit - going to different religious experiences and talking to people about them. It always helps me learn a bit more about myself, about my religion.
Recently I've been feeling like my personal faith is too rational. It's too intellectual. This, I suppose, springs from Presbyterianism being quite rational and intellectual. What I specifically mean is that I rarely feel like anything is sacred. Evangelical Protestantism tries it's best to affirm the value of all parts of life. It attempts to blur the lines between the sacred and profane (profane meaning secular, not religious) so that we see that all of life is sacred in some way. All things were created by God, therefore all things have some element of sacredness. "The holiness of the ordinary," as Walker Percy (a Catholic) once said. I fear, though, that in doing this we've actually lost any grasp of the sacred. The lines have blurred too much, and the profane has penetrated too deeply into the lives of American Protestants.
There is a part of the Divine Liturgy of Orthodoxy that says that we ought to lay aside the cares of this world. One man told me this is when he feels like he moves into the sacred. He feels that we have entered a different world, one where supernatural beings reside. Indeed, I felt like time had stopped, like I was hidden away in a new world.
How can I feel like I'm in a different world when I go to a church that meets in an elementary school? How can I feel like I'm in a different world when a laptop has to be used to run the service?
Thoughts?
Sam
Click to read the rest.
Friday, September 15, 2006
mmm books
First of all, today is Tony's birthday. I'm so glad this guy was born. You all don't even know.
Anyway.
There are few things more enjoyable in life for me than a recently acquired book. This means that today was splendid in that regard, as the following books arrived at my door:
American Jesus: How the Son of God Became a National Icon
The Beloved Community: How Faith Shapes Social Justice, from the Civil Rights Movement to Today
Bobos In Paradise: The New Upper Class and How They Got There
Habits of the Heart: Individualism and Commitment in American Life
The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth
Devil and Commodity Fetishism in South America
The Sacred and The Profane: The Nature of Religion
Body of Power, Spirit of Resistance: The Culture and History of a South African People
Some time in the next few days these two should be coming:
The Future of an Illusion
Making of the English Working Class
I'm not going to bother to link all of those, but if you want to know more about any of them, just ask.
Consider this: by the end of the semester, I will have read all of those. Yikes. Only American Jesus and Bobos in Paradise are pleasure reading (for the CSC reading groups).
I'm also reading Sommerville's latest book, The Decline of the Secular University. It's very insightful.
I love books and I love reading. Sometimes too much. The beginning of the semester is so exciting for me because I have an excuse to buy more books (which is normally a no-no for someone like me who already has way too many).
I guess thats all for now. I have a lot of reading to do this weekend. I'm also going to a Greek Orthodox service in order to write a paper for one of my classes. I'm sure I'll be blogging about it.
Peace,
Sam
Click to read the rest.
Anyway.
There are few things more enjoyable in life for me than a recently acquired book. This means that today was splendid in that regard, as the following books arrived at my door:
American Jesus: How the Son of God Became a National Icon
The Beloved Community: How Faith Shapes Social Justice, from the Civil Rights Movement to Today
Bobos In Paradise: The New Upper Class and How They Got There
Habits of the Heart: Individualism and Commitment in American Life
The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth
Devil and Commodity Fetishism in South America
The Sacred and The Profane: The Nature of Religion
Body of Power, Spirit of Resistance: The Culture and History of a South African People
Some time in the next few days these two should be coming:
The Future of an Illusion
Making of the English Working Class
I'm not going to bother to link all of those, but if you want to know more about any of them, just ask.
Consider this: by the end of the semester, I will have read all of those. Yikes. Only American Jesus and Bobos in Paradise are pleasure reading (for the CSC reading groups).
I'm also reading Sommerville's latest book, The Decline of the Secular University. It's very insightful.
I love books and I love reading. Sometimes too much. The beginning of the semester is so exciting for me because I have an excuse to buy more books (which is normally a no-no for someone like me who already has way too many).
I guess thats all for now. I have a lot of reading to do this weekend. I'm also going to a Greek Orthodox service in order to write a paper for one of my classes. I'm sure I'll be blogging about it.
Peace,
Sam
Click to read the rest.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
is it true looks can kill?
"Tell me where it all went wrong
Maybe I can make it better
Tell me where it all went wrong
Don’t you know that you really upset her
When you act like a man who is cross with every woman he’s never had
If it’s true looks could kill and you will be the first to make me mad
Then you’ll have to go
Is this the kind of fate you could contemplate
A breakdown at my very sight
I promise hidden words of tenderness in every single line that I write
Still you act like a man who is cross with every woman he’s never had
If it’s true looks could kill and you will be the first to make me mad
Then you’ll have to go
Maybe you’ll have to go
Is it true looks can kill?"
- Camera Obscura, "If Looks Could Kill"
I feel like Tracyanne Campbell (singer) could have written this song to me, for reasons that I will leave out of the blogging world.
They were in Chicago the night before Pitchfork. I was so close to seeing them.
Today was alright. The highlight was having Krishna Lunch with my friend Devon. She was tabling with FACE (Feminist Activists Creating Equality), so we ate there. It was pretty fun hanging out with them. I like talking to people from radical organizations. It makes me feel like a revolutionary.
CSN meeting tomorrow. I'll keep you updated.
Peace,
Sam
Click to read the rest.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Self-Titled
"I [am] bound in spiritual longing by the romanticism of revolution. I am inspired by it. I am fascinated by it. I am completely absorbed by it. I am crazed, I am obsessed by the romanticism of the revolution." - Sukarno, 1960
The desire for revolution is one of the few things I can still feel these days.
Click to read the rest.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
"It's like 80 proof wisdom."
This title is courtesy of the one and only Charlie. He was talking about Thomas Merton's book No Man Is an Island. Tyler has convinced a few of us to have an informal reading group for it. I've just finished chapter one, and I agree with Charlie. Merton is like a shot of rum for the spirit, especially because you don't realize the full effects until you've closed the book after a reading.
Speaking of interesting books, I'm reading one called Islam Observed: Religious Development in Morocco and Indonesia for my Religion & Social Change class. It's really, really good. Here is one of my favorite passages:
"Religious faith, even when it is fed from a common source, is as much a particularizing force as a generalizing one, and indeed whatever universality a given religous tradition manages to attain arises from its ability to engage a widening set of individual, even idiosyncratic, conceptions of life and yet somehow sustain and elaborate them all.
When it succeeds in this, the result may indeed as often be the distortion of these personal visions as their enrichment, but in any case, whether deforming private faiths or perfecting them, the tradition usually prospers. When it fails, however, to come genuinely to grips with them at all, it either hardens into scholasticism, evaporates into idealism, or fades into eclecticism; that is to say, it ceases, except as a fossil, a shadow, or a shell, really to exist."
- Clifford Geertz, Islam Observed
Feel free to provide your thoughts.
I've determined that college students use under 20 adjectives regularly. So, grab a thesaurus and join me in at least finding words to use instead of random, intense, cool, interesting, and ridiculous.
So far, I've come up with unplanned, arbitrary, casual, chance, erratic, accidental, extreme, acute, fierce, potent, extraordinary, chic, trendy, sophisticated, absorbing, engrossing, fascinating, riveting, gripping, compelling, captivating, engaging, enthralling, stimulating, thought-provoking, intriguing, laughable, comical, absurd, hilarious, risible, farcical, ludicrous, and droll.
I had better go catch a bus home.
Peace,
Sam
P.S. We had a brief but productive CSN meeting today. Progress is being made every day.
Click to read the rest.
Speaking of interesting books, I'm reading one called Islam Observed: Religious Development in Morocco and Indonesia for my Religion & Social Change class. It's really, really good. Here is one of my favorite passages:
"Religious faith, even when it is fed from a common source, is as much a particularizing force as a generalizing one, and indeed whatever universality a given religous tradition manages to attain arises from its ability to engage a widening set of individual, even idiosyncratic, conceptions of life and yet somehow sustain and elaborate them all.
When it succeeds in this, the result may indeed as often be the distortion of these personal visions as their enrichment, but in any case, whether deforming private faiths or perfecting them, the tradition usually prospers. When it fails, however, to come genuinely to grips with them at all, it either hardens into scholasticism, evaporates into idealism, or fades into eclecticism; that is to say, it ceases, except as a fossil, a shadow, or a shell, really to exist."
- Clifford Geertz, Islam Observed
Feel free to provide your thoughts.
I've determined that college students use under 20 adjectives regularly. So, grab a thesaurus and join me in at least finding words to use instead of random, intense, cool, interesting, and ridiculous.
So far, I've come up with unplanned, arbitrary, casual, chance, erratic, accidental, extreme, acute, fierce, potent, extraordinary, chic, trendy, sophisticated, absorbing, engrossing, fascinating, riveting, gripping, compelling, captivating, engaging, enthralling, stimulating, thought-provoking, intriguing, laughable, comical, absurd, hilarious, risible, farcical, ludicrous, and droll.
I had better go catch a bus home.
Peace,
Sam
P.S. We had a brief but productive CSN meeting today. Progress is being made every day.
Click to read the rest.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
(Not) Laboring Days
"I am not on a mission to add happy icing to the cake of your decision for Christ." - John Piper
Isn't that an awesome quote?
I had a really cool weekend. Saturday was the game, which wasn't fantastic, but it was the first game of the season. Go Gators. Sunday I attended St. Andrew's and had a very, very good experience there (more details in person).
I am feeling infinitely better. I'm sure it's not the end of my problems, but I am thankful for the relief, regardless of how long it lasts.
Last night a couple of friends came over for dinner, then came back later for some serious hanging out. They stayed all night. The funny part was that we just sat around and talked after watching a couple of movies. It wasn't anything fancy, but it sure was fun.
Today we bought a washer and dryer. I am so excited; they get here tomorrow. I can finally wash my clothes.
JT came over today to practice. We are (hopefully) playing at Engage 2006. If you don't know about this event, you need to:
Name: Engage 2006
What: A tabling fair for Christian ministries oriented towards service.
What Else: There are a few musical acts performing, including (cross your fingers) myself with my good friend JT.
Who: Tons of people. It's sponsored by Christians Concerned for the Community. Lots of great ministries will be there. Rumor has it CSN might make a guest appearance (but that's for you find out for sure).
Who Else: YOU and all your friends.
Where: The Christian Study Center (Off W. University on 16th St.)
When: Friday, Sept. 8, 7 pm -10 pm.
Hope to see you all there.
Peace,
Sam
Click to read the rest.
Isn't that an awesome quote?
I had a really cool weekend. Saturday was the game, which wasn't fantastic, but it was the first game of the season. Go Gators. Sunday I attended St. Andrew's and had a very, very good experience there (more details in person).
I am feeling infinitely better. I'm sure it's not the end of my problems, but I am thankful for the relief, regardless of how long it lasts.
Last night a couple of friends came over for dinner, then came back later for some serious hanging out. They stayed all night. The funny part was that we just sat around and talked after watching a couple of movies. It wasn't anything fancy, but it sure was fun.
Today we bought a washer and dryer. I am so excited; they get here tomorrow. I can finally wash my clothes.
JT came over today to practice. We are (hopefully) playing at Engage 2006. If you don't know about this event, you need to:
Name: Engage 2006
What: A tabling fair for Christian ministries oriented towards service.
What Else: There are a few musical acts performing, including (cross your fingers) myself with my good friend JT.
Who: Tons of people. It's sponsored by Christians Concerned for the Community. Lots of great ministries will be there. Rumor has it CSN might make a guest appearance (but that's for you find out for sure).
Who Else: YOU and all your friends.
Where: The Christian Study Center (Off W. University on 16th St.)
When: Friday, Sept. 8, 7 pm -10 pm.
Hope to see you all there.
Peace,
Sam
Click to read the rest.
Thoughts on Myself
I think I ought to fill in everyone on some things that are going on with me that I don't understand.
Many of you may know that I struggle with depression, hopelessness, despair, discouragement, etc. I've dealt with those things in some form for as long as I can remember. I can remember being depressed in elementary school, depressed in middle school, depressed in high school. In college things got worse. Hopelessness and despair decided to hang out with me, and discouragement carpooled with them.
In the past few months, things have again gotten worse. Much worse. I'm not sure what's going on, but the frequency and intensity of these battles have increased dramatically. Most people just keep asking me, "What do you have to be sad about?" Or they try to point out all the great things that are going on with me. This isn't a circumstantial problem, though. That's what's so dangerous and mysterious about it. This is an entire state of being - a separate personality (though not in a clinical sense) - that takes me over. I know that I have a wonderful life. My needs are provided, my family loves me, I go to college. I have good friends. I have a God who loves me. I believe all of that (most of the time).
But that's not the issue. I gave up on the whole "I hate my life" thing early in high school, when a friend of mine told me about his parents' divorce and all the pain it had caused. That's only been confirmed as I've studied human rights abuses, poverty, famine, and plague.
So here's what I've noticed. Things that I enjoy are slowly diminishing in number. Even playing the djembe has stopped providing pleasure for me. Spending time with friends has started to become less and less enjoyable and more anxiety-producing. I don't know why. I don't love my friends any less. In fact, I have come to love them more due to my summer research experience. But I've noticed that once I get around a group of more than five people, I flip out. If I can escape, I do. If I can't, I try to summon as much energy and humor as I can to hold on until it's over. Then my psyche reacts to that massive effort by settling into intense anxiety, alienation, and despair.
I've also become aware of funky things with my memory. I have had a hard time remembering things I've said or done unless something was extremely emotionally intense. I've also recently started to have difficulty remembering emotional responses to things or people. I can't really remember if I enjoyed something yesterday. I can't remember the intensity of being offended a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure why this is. The power of the depression is like a blanket that keeps smothering the flames of my emotions.
This means that the main emotion I remember on a daily basis is intense sadness. It also means that I don't trust my memory anymore. Don't get me wrong - I have a powerful memory. I can remember details and major concepts for a long time. What I've noticed, though, is that when I try to recall events or feelings that involve myself, my memory just stares right back at me blankly. I've had several friends tell me something I've said or done that's offended them or made them happy and I can't remember it at all. Once they remind me, I can perhaps remember a snapshot, but nothing more.
I'm not saying any of this to make anyone pity me. I don't need pity. I'm just hoping that this will help explain (not excuse) behavior you may have noticed in the past couple of years (and particularly the past few months). And who knows, maybe someone out there is feeling something similar.
Also, I typically don't need advice. I've been dealing with depression and it's buddies for about 15 years (seriously, I can remember these feelings as a little kid). I've read books, I've listened to sermons, I've changed my diet five times, I've experimented with sleep. I know just about every approach to these things. A lot of them work for a short period of time. Inevitably, though, I lose the battle.
There's a whole lot more that I could say on this subject, particularly from a more personally spiritual side. But I'll leave that outside of the public domain. Just ask.
Also: yes, I have given up on facebook and aim for a period of time. I typically do this during the school year in order to save my productivity from being completely lost. Have no fear, the phone is near.
Peace,
Sam
P.S. More CSN updates soon.
P.P.S. John Piper's site has gotten a major facelift. They've put up 25 years worth of audio, video, and text that's available for free. It's amazing.
P.P.P.S. Derek Webb is a genius. He's offering his entire new album for free here.
Click to read the rest.
Many of you may know that I struggle with depression, hopelessness, despair, discouragement, etc. I've dealt with those things in some form for as long as I can remember. I can remember being depressed in elementary school, depressed in middle school, depressed in high school. In college things got worse. Hopelessness and despair decided to hang out with me, and discouragement carpooled with them.
In the past few months, things have again gotten worse. Much worse. I'm not sure what's going on, but the frequency and intensity of these battles have increased dramatically. Most people just keep asking me, "What do you have to be sad about?" Or they try to point out all the great things that are going on with me. This isn't a circumstantial problem, though. That's what's so dangerous and mysterious about it. This is an entire state of being - a separate personality (though not in a clinical sense) - that takes me over. I know that I have a wonderful life. My needs are provided, my family loves me, I go to college. I have good friends. I have a God who loves me. I believe all of that (most of the time).
But that's not the issue. I gave up on the whole "I hate my life" thing early in high school, when a friend of mine told me about his parents' divorce and all the pain it had caused. That's only been confirmed as I've studied human rights abuses, poverty, famine, and plague.
So here's what I've noticed. Things that I enjoy are slowly diminishing in number. Even playing the djembe has stopped providing pleasure for me. Spending time with friends has started to become less and less enjoyable and more anxiety-producing. I don't know why. I don't love my friends any less. In fact, I have come to love them more due to my summer research experience. But I've noticed that once I get around a group of more than five people, I flip out. If I can escape, I do. If I can't, I try to summon as much energy and humor as I can to hold on until it's over. Then my psyche reacts to that massive effort by settling into intense anxiety, alienation, and despair.
I've also become aware of funky things with my memory. I have had a hard time remembering things I've said or done unless something was extremely emotionally intense. I've also recently started to have difficulty remembering emotional responses to things or people. I can't really remember if I enjoyed something yesterday. I can't remember the intensity of being offended a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure why this is. The power of the depression is like a blanket that keeps smothering the flames of my emotions.
This means that the main emotion I remember on a daily basis is intense sadness. It also means that I don't trust my memory anymore. Don't get me wrong - I have a powerful memory. I can remember details and major concepts for a long time. What I've noticed, though, is that when I try to recall events or feelings that involve myself, my memory just stares right back at me blankly. I've had several friends tell me something I've said or done that's offended them or made them happy and I can't remember it at all. Once they remind me, I can perhaps remember a snapshot, but nothing more.
I'm not saying any of this to make anyone pity me. I don't need pity. I'm just hoping that this will help explain (not excuse) behavior you may have noticed in the past couple of years (and particularly the past few months). And who knows, maybe someone out there is feeling something similar.
Also, I typically don't need advice. I've been dealing with depression and it's buddies for about 15 years (seriously, I can remember these feelings as a little kid). I've read books, I've listened to sermons, I've changed my diet five times, I've experimented with sleep. I know just about every approach to these things. A lot of them work for a short period of time. Inevitably, though, I lose the battle.
There's a whole lot more that I could say on this subject, particularly from a more personally spiritual side. But I'll leave that outside of the public domain. Just ask.
Also: yes, I have given up on facebook and aim for a period of time. I typically do this during the school year in order to save my productivity from being completely lost. Have no fear, the phone is near.
Peace,
Sam
P.S. More CSN updates soon.
P.P.S. John Piper's site has gotten a major facelift. They've put up 25 years worth of audio, video, and text that's available for free. It's amazing.
P.P.P.S. Derek Webb is a genius. He's offering his entire new album for free here.
Click to read the rest.
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