Thoughts on Myself

I think I ought to fill in everyone on some things that are going on with me that I don't understand.

Many of you may know that I struggle with depression, hopelessness, despair, discouragement, etc. I've dealt with those things in some form for as long as I can remember. I can remember being depressed in elementary school, depressed in middle school, depressed in high school. In college things got worse. Hopelessness and despair decided to hang out with me, and discouragement carpooled with them.

In the past few months, things have again gotten worse. Much worse. I'm not sure what's going on, but the frequency and intensity of these battles have increased dramatically. Most people just keep asking me, "What do you have to be sad about?" Or they try to point out all the great things that are going on with me. This isn't a circumstantial problem, though. That's what's so dangerous and mysterious about it. This is an entire state of being - a separate personality (though not in a clinical sense) - that takes me over. I know that I have a wonderful life. My needs are provided, my family loves me, I go to college. I have good friends. I have a God who loves me. I believe all of that (most of the time).

But that's not the issue. I gave up on the whole "I hate my life" thing early in high school, when a friend of mine told me about his parents' divorce and all the pain it had caused. That's only been confirmed as I've studied human rights abuses, poverty, famine, and plague.

So here's what I've noticed. Things that I enjoy are slowly diminishing in number. Even playing the djembe has stopped providing pleasure for me. Spending time with friends has started to become less and less enjoyable and more anxiety-producing. I don't know why. I don't love my friends any less. In fact, I have come to love them more due to my summer research experience. But I've noticed that once I get around a group of more than five people, I flip out. If I can escape, I do. If I can't, I try to summon as much energy and humor as I can to hold on until it's over. Then my psyche reacts to that massive effort by settling into intense anxiety, alienation, and despair.

I've also become aware of funky things with my memory. I have had a hard time remembering things I've said or done unless something was extremely emotionally intense. I've also recently started to have difficulty remembering emotional responses to things or people. I can't really remember if I enjoyed something yesterday. I can't remember the intensity of being offended a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure why this is. The power of the depression is like a blanket that keeps smothering the flames of my emotions.

This means that the main emotion I remember on a daily basis is intense sadness. It also means that I don't trust my memory anymore. Don't get me wrong - I have a powerful memory. I can remember details and major concepts for a long time. What I've noticed, though, is that when I try to recall events or feelings that involve myself, my memory just stares right back at me blankly. I've had several friends tell me something I've said or done that's offended them or made them happy and I can't remember it at all. Once they remind me, I can perhaps remember a snapshot, but nothing more.

I'm not saying any of this to make anyone pity me. I don't need pity. I'm just hoping that this will help explain (not excuse) behavior you may have noticed in the past couple of years (and particularly the past few months). And who knows, maybe someone out there is feeling something similar.

Also, I typically don't need advice. I've been dealing with depression and it's buddies for about 15 years (seriously, I can remember these feelings as a little kid). I've read books, I've listened to sermons, I've changed my diet five times, I've experimented with sleep. I know just about every approach to these things. A lot of them work for a short period of time. Inevitably, though, I lose the battle.

There's a whole lot more that I could say on this subject, particularly from a more personally spiritual side. But I'll leave that outside of the public domain. Just ask.

Also: yes, I have given up on facebook and aim for a period of time. I typically do this during the school year in order to save my productivity from being completely lost. Have no fear, the phone is near.

Peace,
Sam
P.S. More CSN updates soon.
P.P.S. John Piper's site has gotten a major facelift. They've put up 25 years worth of audio, video, and text that's available for free. It's amazing.
P.P.P.S. Derek Webb is a genius. He's offering his entire new album for free here.