Cleverness

(From the On-line Gainesville Sun: Oct 21)

A Few Lessons for Urban Meyer

Here are a few tricks that coach Urban Meyer could learn from the mysterious author of the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences 5-year plan.

First, get rid of all defensive players. They are much less productive than the offensive players as far as the number of points scored is concerned. Just as the religion department is less productive than chemistry as far as the amount of external funding attracted is concerned.

Second, get rid of special teams, too. On a per capita basis, they are still less productive than the offense.

Third, if the media points out that your defense actually played better against Auburn than your offense, act as if you had not heard. Do not compare your defense to the defense of Southern California or Ohio State, compare the points scored by your offense to the points scored by your defense. Just as the excellent external reviews of the Mathematics and English departments are ignored by the CLAS 5-year plan. Just as the author of that plan compares the UF Math Department not to the Math Department of Michigan State or Texas, but to the Physics or Chemistry Department of UF.

Maybe if Meyer follows this advice, the ranking of the Gator football team will match those of UF as a whole.

Linda Sciacca,
Gainesville