emily

so basically, i've recently been given the pleasure of being introduced to one of my all-time favorite songs. it's called "emily" by joanna newsom. the lyrics are beautiful. here they are:

the meadowlark and the chim-choo-ree and the sparrow
set to the sky in a flying spree, for the sport over the pharaoh
a little while later the Pharisees dragged comb through the meadow
do you remember what they called up to you and me, in our window?

there is a rusty light on the pines tonight
sun pouring wine, lord, or marrow
down into the bones of the birches
and the spires of the churches
jutting out from the shadows
the yoke, and the axe, and the old smokestacks and the bale and the barrow
and everything sloped like it was dragged from a rope
in the mouth of the south below

we've seen those mountains kneeling, felten and grey
we thought our very hearts would up and melt away
from that snow in the nighttime
just going
and going
and the stirring of wind chimes
in the morning
in the morning
helps me find my way back in
from the place where I have been

and, Emily - I saw you last night by the river
I dreamed you were skipping little stones across the surface of the water
frowning at the angle where they were lost, and slipped under forever,
in a mud-cloud, mica-spangled, like the sky'd been breathing on a mirror

anyhow - I sat by your side, by the water
you taught me the names of the stars overhead that I wrote down in my ledger
tho all I knew of the rote universe were those pleiades loosed in december
I promised you I‘d set them to verse so I'd always remember

that the meteorite is a source of the light
and the meteor's just what we see
and the meteoroid is a stone that's devoid of the fire that propelled it to thee

and the meteorite's just what causes the light
and the meteor's how it's perceived
and the meteoroid's a bone thrown from the void that lies quiet in offering to thee

you came and lay a cold compress upon the mess I'm in
threw the window wide and cried; Amen! Amen! Amen!
the whole world - stopped - to hear you hollering
you looked down and saw now what was happening

the lines are fadin' in my kingdom
(tho I have never known the way to border 'em in)
so the muddy mouths of baboons and sows and the grouse and the horse and the hen
grope at the gate of the looming lake that was once a tidy pen
and the mail is late and the great estates are not lit from within
the talk in town's becoming downright sickening

in due time we will see the far butte lit by a flare
I've seen your bravery, and I will follow you there
and row through the nighttime
gone healthy
gone healthy all of a sudden
in search of the midwife
who could help me
who could help me
help me find my way back in
there are worries where I've been

say, say, say in the lee of the bay; don't be bothered
leave your troubles here where the tugboats shear the water from the water
(flanked by furrows, curling back, like a match held up to a newspaper)
Emily, they'll follow your lead by the letter
and I make this claim, and I'm not ashamed to say I know you better
what they've seen is just a beam of your sun that banishes winter

let us go! though we know it's a hopeless endeavor
the ties that bind, they are barbed and spined and hold us close forever
though there is nothing would help me come to grips with a sky that is gaping and yawning
there is a song I woke with on my lips as you sailed your great ship towards the morning

come on home, the poppies are all grown knee-deep by now
blossoms all have fallen, and the pollen ruins the plow
peonies nod in the breeze and while they wetly bow, with
hydrocephalitic listlessness ants mop up-a their brow

and everything with wings is restless, aimless, drunk and dour
the butterflies and birds collide at hot, ungodly hours
and my clay-colored motherlessness rangily reclines
- come on home, now! all my bones are dolorous with vines

Pa pointed out to me, for the hundredth time tonight
the way the ladle leads to a dirt-red bullet of light
squint skyward and listen -
loving him, we move within his borders:
just asterisms in the stars' set order

we could stand for a century
starin'
with our heads cocked
in the broad daylight at this thing
joy
landlocked
in bodies that don't keep
dumbstruck with the sweetness of being
till we don't be
told; take this
eat this

told; the meteorite is the source of the light
and the meteor's just what we see
and the meteoroid is a stone that's devoid of the fire that propelled it to thee

and the meteorite's just what causes the light
and the meteor's how it's perceived
and the meteoroid's a bone thrown from the void that lies quiet in offering to thee

peace,
sam
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from merton to hananasif

So this has been a really good day. It started with our last Thomas Merton group of the semester (complete with pancakes). It was so refreshing to talk and pray with Gerald, Charlie, and Tyler.

This excellent day ended with a spur of the moment gig. Well, the gig itself wasn't spur of the moment - it was a benefit show for Desire Street Ministries. The spur of the moment part was that my friend Lauren called me this afternoon to see if I wanted to play djembe with her (she plays violin) and Sydney (who sings and plays guitar). If I haven't mentioned these two yet (and their usual partner, Melissa, who was unable to make it), let me say once and for all that they are incredibly talented and tremendously inspiring. It was wonderful playing with them.

Let me tell you a little more about Sydney. She is one of those people who is a flame embodied. She lives life without fear, trusting in God and dreaming big. She's traveled all kinds of places. Recently, she did a study abroad program in Tanzania. While she was there, she discovered the Hananasif orphanage. Sydney has become really involved with this place (as has Melissa - pictured above), and she spoke a lot about tonight at the gig. It was really inspiring.

Consider some facts about Tanzania from the Hananasif web site:

• Tanzania is the fifth poorest country in the world.
• Dar-es-Salaam is the third largest city in east Africa.
• Only 56% of the population has access to clean water.
• The average annual income per capita is $140.
• There were more than one million AIDS orphans in Tanzania in the year 2000.
• USAID has calculated that in the year 2010 there will be approximately 1.8 million AIDS orphans in Tanzania, unless an effective and inexpensive form of treatment is developed by that time.

Hananasif is an orphanage, school, and outreach. It's really neat. Check out the web site and also this video that Melissa made.

Peace,
Sam
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Merton Again

Read a couple of days ago in a moment of extreme despair:

"How close God is to us when we come to recognize and to accept our abjection and to cast our care entirely upon Him! Against all human expectation He sustains us when we need to be sustained, helping us to do what seemed impossible. We learn to know about Him, now, not in the 'presence' that is found in abstract consideration - a presence in which we dress Him in our own finery - but in the emptiness of a hope that may come close to despair. For perfect hope is achieved on the brink of despair when, instead of falling over the edge, we find ourselves walking on the air. Hope is always just about to turn into despair, but never does so, for at the moment of supreme crisis God's power is suddenly made perfect in our infirmity. So we learn to expect His mercy most calmly when all is most dangerous, to seek Him quietly in the face of peril, certain that He cannot fail us though we may be upbraided by the just and rejected by those who claim to hold the evidence of His love." - Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island

Peace,
Sam
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Christmas Songs

So, we're back in Christmas music mode. Have you ever stopped to read the lyrics to some of our classic songs? A lot of them are really good. I've just sung them 10,000 times and often don't even realize what I'm singing. Take a look at some of them:

Various Parts of "O Come O Come Emmanuel"
O come, Thou Wisdom from on high,
Who orderest all things mightily;
To us the path of knowledge show,
And teach us in her ways to go.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan’s tyranny;
From depths of hell Thy people save,
And give them victory over the grave.

O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death’s dark shadows put to flight.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.

O come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,
And be Thyself our King of Peace.

The Last Verse of "O Holy Night"
Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His Gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His Name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy Name!
Christ is the Lord! O praise His name forever!
His pow’r and glory evermore proclaim!
His pow’r and glory evermore proclaim!

This last one isn't exactly a classic, but I like it:

Relient K's "I Celebrate the Day"
With this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let you know
How much you've touched my life because
Here is where you're finding me
In the exact same place as New Years Eve
And from the lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I wanna be

And the first time that you opened your eyes
Did you realize that you would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left your lips
Did you know that it would change this world forever?

And so this Christmas I'll compare
The things I've felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That you have come to meet me here

To look back
And think that
This baby would one day save me
And the hope that
That you give
That you were born so I might really live
To look back
And think that
This baby would one day save me…

And the first time that you opened your eyes
Did you realize that you would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left your lips
Did you know that it would change this world forever?

And I
I celebrate the day
That you were born to die
So I could one day
Pray for you to save my life
Pray for you to save my life
Pray for you to save my life

Peace,
Sam
P.S. GO GATORS!
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my life's work.

In case you don't know, I have one overarching goal: to end sex trafficking. I don't know how yet, but I plan on dedicating my life to coming up with a social entrepreneurship-type solution to this problem:

"An estimated 2 million women and children are held in sexual servitude throughout the world, and between 800,000 and 900,000 are trafficked across international borders for the purposes of sexual exploitation each year."

Is that not ridiculous?

The issue is that it's a very complex problem. There's the specific woman or child, whoever is trafficking them, the local law enforcement, the government, and then the root of the problem: the demand. Somehow all of these factors need to be taken into account.

So I'm going to throw a bunch of web sites at you now for your perusal. Read them and join the revolution. I can't do it by myself.

Coalition Against Trafficking in Women
Captive Daughters
Progeny
Amnesty International: Human Trafficking
Stop Demand

If you only read one thing, read the Captive Diaries, the blog from Captive Daughters.

Stand up. A guy I really like once said, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few."

Peace,
Sam
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This American Life

Okay, if you haven't started listening to This American Life yet, now is the time. They've greatly improved their streaming audio and started offering a free weekly podcast. They've also decreased their archive prices to 95 cents an episode.

So, check it out and see why TAL is my all-time favorite radio show. Some of my favorite episodes: "Notes on Camp," "Testosterone," and "Pray." Just click on "Our Favorite Shows" and enjoy.

That is all.

Peace,
Sam
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the glory of God in the face of Christ

"For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ." - 2 Corinthians 4:5-6

I love these verses. They're packed with goodness. First, I love the reminder that "what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord." I feel like most of the time I'm proclaiming myself, whether it's through blatant statements of selfishness or just through settle ways of gaining attention. The natural result of proclaiming Christ as Lord is, as Paul notes, to become a servant for the sake of Jesus. Humility, in a word. Second, I love the concept that God - the very God who said "Let there be light" - uses His creative power to illuminate our hearts. Finally, the way Paul describes this light is incredible. What is this light? It is knowledge. Knowledge of what? The glory of God. What is this glory and where can we find it? In the face of Jesus Christ. But wait, who is this Jesus? Well, according to Hebrews 1:3, Jesus "is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of His nature, and He upholds the universe by the word of His power." And, paradoxically, Jesus is also the sacrificial lamb. Indeed, "for our sake [God] made Him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Cor. 5:21).

Okay, so we can look at Jesus - the Son of God who upholds the universe and also died for our sins - to see and understand even just a bit of the glory of God. And it is this knowledge of the sacrificed Savior that shines in our hearts by the creative power of God.

How can we help but proclaim such an awesome truth?

I wanted to post the third verse of Charles Wesley's "Jesus, Lover of My Soul." I just discovered it; I don't think I've ever sang it:

Wilt Thou not regard my call? Wilt Thou not accept my prayer?
Lo! I sink, I faint, I fall—Lo! on Thee I cast my care;
Reach me out Thy gracious hand! While I of Thy strength receive,
Hoping against hope I stand, dying, and behold, I live.

Peace,
Sam
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Cleverness

(From the On-line Gainesville Sun: Oct 21)

A Few Lessons for Urban Meyer

Here are a few tricks that coach Urban Meyer could learn from the mysterious author of the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences 5-year plan.

First, get rid of all defensive players. They are much less productive than the offensive players as far as the number of points scored is concerned. Just as the religion department is less productive than chemistry as far as the amount of external funding attracted is concerned.

Second, get rid of special teams, too. On a per capita basis, they are still less productive than the offense.

Third, if the media points out that your defense actually played better against Auburn than your offense, act as if you had not heard. Do not compare your defense to the defense of Southern California or Ohio State, compare the points scored by your offense to the points scored by your defense. Just as the excellent external reviews of the Mathematics and English departments are ignored by the CLAS 5-year plan. Just as the author of that plan compares the UF Math Department not to the Math Department of Michigan State or Texas, but to the Physics or Chemistry Department of UF.

Maybe if Meyer follows this advice, the ranking of the Gator football team will match those of UF as a whole.

Linda Sciacca,
Gainesville
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Nugget Absurdity

Alan and I just saw a commercial for Chick-Fil-A's Million Nugget Giveaway and just had quite a good laugh discussing the sheer magnitude of a million chicken nuggets. Consider:

- There are about 12 nuggets in a pack of chicken nuggets. We used the number 10.
- One million nuggets divided into 10 per pack equals 100,000 packs of chicken nuggets.
- That's 100,000 lunches.
- There are about 1000 days in 3 years.
- Thus, 100,000 lunches would take 300 years to eat.

300 years. Or, let's say you ate chicken nuggets for every meal of the day. It would still take 100 years to eat them all. Now, a person who eats chicken nuggets constantly couldn't live past the age of 60. Nor would they have started eating until they were at least 18 (the age of winning the contest). So, 20 years. That's five lifetimes.

Five lifetimes of chicken nuggets.

Okay, so Chick-Fil-A isn't actually giving away one million nuggets to one person. They're giving away 15,000 nugget trays. But it's still absolutely hilarious to think about the sheer magnitude of one million nuggets.

Oh, America. You and your gluttony.

Peace,
Sam
P.S. I promise I'll write about serious, profound issues regarding religion, America, and social work soon. Maybe.
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Sometimes you just need to rock out to Canadian music.

I need to go to bed, but I had to post something.

I just got back from seeing Broken Social Scene with JT & Co. in St. Pete. It was one of the most fun shows I have ever been to. The band took their time on every song and played wonderfully. Absolutely incredible. Indescribable. I danced my heart out and sung my lungs out, which is exactly what I needed in the middle of this stressful semester. They played "It's All Gonna Break" second to last, and I went nuts. It's a rare moment to hear one of your all-time favorite songs live. My love for that song is disproportionate to my love for the band's work as a whole. And here's the best part: after the show, I looked Brendon Canning (one of the guitarists and a founding member) right in the eyes and told him how much I love that song. He said that he hoped he did it justice. You did, Brendan. You did.

I feel ready to take on the world again. I really, really needed that.

Peace,
Sam
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something has gone terribly wrong

Okay, I don't know why, but I love Underoath. I don't normally like hard core. There's just something about them that I love.

I guess that's all I have to say.

Off to read and write and such...

Peace,
Sam
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Entering Loneliness

Life has been pretty crazy these days. I'm learning quite a bit. I'm currently reading Habits of the Heart, The Road Less Traveled, and of course the ongoing quest to digest No Man is an Island. All are very thought-provoking.

I've also been thinking a lot about my future, especially grad school and my career. I'll elaborate on that stuff soon.

For now, I wanted to post a quote that Chuck passed on to me. I really enjoy it:

"I decided to make a life in the US, and I experienced pain and felt a deep absence of friendship, but then I started to slowly realize that maybe the experience of loneliness and the experience of separation might not be a negative thing. It might, I thought, bring me more in touch with other people's experience of loneliness. If I would not run away from it, but feel it through all the way, it might become fruitful. Then suddenly I had this idea that loneliness which is pain, when you do not run away from it but feel it through and stand up in it and look it right in the face, that there is something there that can be a source of hope, in the middle of the pain there is some hidden gift. I, more and more in my life, have discovered that the gifts of life are often hidden in the places that hurt the most. I am saying that you can stand the pain. I think one of the great challenges of life is to dare to stand in your pain, and to trust that there is something beyond that which is safe. What begins to happen is something like the experience that there is safety beyond the pain, that if you enter into it, it's not so frightening as you thought it was, and that underneath your loneliness, there is an experience of being held safe.

I know it for myself so much that if I experience loneliness or anguish, I distract myself. I go do something so that I don't feel it. But it is always a disappointment, and I am more lonely; I am more anguished. Then I discovered that if I just stay with it, and live with it to the fullest. Not just accept it, but taste it, chew on it. I would nearly say to myself I am lonely, yes, and let me feel it. I've discovered that there's much more strength in me than I realized and, in a way, the strength is not coming from me, but it is coming indeed from someone who holds me, who loved me long before I came into life, from someone who will love me long after I have died. It is not an intellectual thing. Jesus for me is the center of it. Jesus for me is the one who helps me discover that God had loved me before I even was born, and will still love me after I die. The love of God is a love that is there before and after any other human being has touched me. The mystery of knowing Jesus is the mystery of knowing God who embraces me much in a wider and deeper way, more than any human being can do. It sounds quite theoretical, but I have only discovered this gradually in life through much of my own pain, and through much of my own disappointment, and through much of my own running away to other places."

- Henri Nouwen in Nouwen Then by Christopher de Vinck, p. 134.

Peace,
Sam
P.S. Isn't that the corniest title of a book ever conceived?
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love

I've been thinking a lot about love recently - being "in love," loving, Christian love, romantic love. Recently I feel like I've been learning a lot about it. I came across this from Piper today in a sermon on loving others:

"The sum of the matter is this: Because God has rescued us from his own wrath at the cost of his Son, and has gathered us together into Christ where we are eternally safe with him, we stand trembling with joy and look into each other’s eyes, and say: Can you believe it? We are here! We are here! In Christ! We’re not at the bottom of the mine shaft! We are not falling in the flames of the bottomless pit. And that’s what we deserve. And we are here! Chosen. Loved. Forgiven. Forever. Together."

This, to me, is what Christian love is: reminding each other of the Gospel, no matter what. Christian love is about propelling each other to Christ. What we often miss, to our shame, is that the deepest and most beautiful experiences of Christian love must occur when one (or both) person feels like the mine shaft is real, and the flames of the bottomless pit feel as hot as the sun. This is bearing each other's burdens. "We love because God first loved us" - and how did God first love us? It was not when we were feeling content. It wasn't even when we were truly ourselves. God loved us before we were made new in Christ, before we were even capable of loving Him. Not only that, but He loved us when we were actively hostile towards Him - and He still does.

One of my favorite hymns is "May the Mind of Christ, My Savior." I particularly love the last verse:

"May the love of Jesus fill me,
As the waters fill the sea;
Him exalting, self abasing
This is victory."

Peace (or maybe "Love" is more appropriate),
Sam
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Zikes!

It's been 10 days since my last post. I apologize. Life got a little crazy. It's only now starting to stabilize - starting with the fact that I went to bed at 9:30 last night and woke up at 9:50 this morning. Anyway, here's what's shaking.

I've been immersed in Marx, Marxists, and Marxians for the past few weeks. It's been really thought-provoking, especially given the stigma attached to that line of thinking in this country (thanks, McCarthy!). After reading various parts of a Marx-Engels Reader (I felt pretty hip buying it), I've had to read major portions of The Making of the English Working Class by E.P. Thompson and The Devil and Commodity Fetishism in South America by Michael Taussig. I'm still slogging through them - they're quite long and quite dense. Thompson's book is especially difficult - every word involves some concept of English history with which I am unfamiliar. There's also this bizarre section of that book where Thompson analyzes hymns by the Wesleys and reads all of this crazy homoerotic, sado-masochist thinking into them (he blames it on the sexual suppression present in Methodism, a denomination which he and a colleague term "psychological masturbation"). Weeeeeird.

Anyway, Taussig's book is pretty dang interesting. He considers market exchange (read: the basis of capitalism) as something unnatural: "a social form that undermines the basis of social unity by allowing creativity and the satisfaction of need to be subverted by a system that puts profit seeking ahead of people and that makes man an appendange of the economy and a slave to the work process instead of the master of it" (29). This follows from Marx's view of work, particularly what he calls "the alienation of labor." This basically means that, in capitalism, skill and human worth isn't valued, only profit is. Because of this, humans are alienated from their work -- it really doesn't matter whether you worked 8 hours to build that table perfectly, it's just going to be sold in mass quantities for $20 regardless of who built it or how it was built. "Instead of man being the aim of production," writes Taussig, "production has become the aim of man and wealth the aim of production; instead of tools and the productive mechanism in general liberating man from the slavery of toil, man has become the slave of tools and the instituted process of production" (32). Humans now ask "What is good for business?" instead of "What is business good for?"

All of this relates to commodity fetishism, which I don't have time to explain here.

Here's why I find this interesting. In Christianity, we have the concept of the fall, particularly of the fall of work. Note Genesis 3:17-19, where God explains the curse to Adam:

"And to Adam he said, 'Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, 'You shall not eat of it,' cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread,
till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.'"

God says that work is going to be difficult ("By the sweat of your face"), it's not going to return as much ("cursed is the ground"), and it's going to be around forever ("all the days of your life"). Now, here's the thing. How much of the alienation of labor seen in capitalism is part of the curse of work -- i.e. it would be around in some form regardless of the economic system -- and how much of it is due to capitalism? What would the curse look like in communism (since it would definitely be present)?

These are the things I'm pondering. We're socialized in America to believe that capitalism is sacred. Don't believe me? Try asking students how much Marx they've read since middle school. Or here's something more disturbing: I've found that when I attack capitalism in front of Christians, many of them take it as personally as if I had just renounced my faith. To paraphrase and manipulate Thoreau, "We must remember that we are Christians first, and Americans at a late hour." If Marx and his followers have something valuable to say about work and money, then let's listen to them.

This reminds me. If you haven't read this article, do it now:
When Not to Refute Atheism: Marx, Nietzsche, and Freud for Christian Reflection

This lecture changed my life my freshman year of college.

Sorry for the length - my congratulations if you made it to the end of this post!

Peace,
Sam
P.S. I've just started The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck for my junior seminar. It was on the NYTimes bestseller list for 10 years! I'm sure I'll have a post about it soon.
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suddenly everything has changed

This is a song by The Flaming Lips that I've always enjoyed:

Putting all the vegetables away
That you bought at the grocery store today
And it goes fast
You think of the past
Suddenly everything has changed

Driving home, the sky accelerates
And the clouds all form a geometric shape
And it goes fast
You think of the past
Suddenly everything has changed

Putting all the clothes you’ve washed away
And as you’re folding up the shirts you hesitate
Then it goes fast
You think of the past
And suddenly everything has changed

The lyrics themselves don't accurately sum up why the song is interesting. The way they do the music bears an uncanny resemblance to remembering things...it's hard to describe, but fascinating. It's like they turned the process of reminiscing into a song. I often find myself repeating that line - "suddenly everything has changed." Now is definitely one of those times.

On a more mundane level, we beat LSU today. Hooray. And a couple of people came over to watch The Royal Tenenbaums. I can't get enough of that movie. Wes Anderson's ability to capture sadness, family troubles, neglect, and love is just beautiful. And I love how he captures these elements of reality through such bizarre characters and events.

That's all for now. I have a lot on my mind and heart these days, but I'm still processing a lot. Next week is going to be pretty nuts in the school department.

Peace,
Sam
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mystery.

You may know that I've been reading some Thomas Merton with Charlie, Tyler, and Gerald. It has been a great journey thus far. Last week, my whole life was disrupted by the following:

"God's will is a profound and holy mystery, and the fact that we live our everyday lives engulfed in this mystery should not lead us to underestimate its holiness...His will is the cloud of darkness that surrounds His intimate presence.

"When we speak of God's will, we are usually speaking only of some recognizable sign of His will. The signpost that points to a distant city is not the city itself, and sometimes the signs that point to a great place are themselves insignificant and contemptible. But we must follow the direction of the signpost if we are to get to the end of our journey.

"...if we are too anxious to pry into the mystery that surrounds us we will lose the prophet's reverence and exchange it for the impertinence of soothsayers. We must be silent in the presence of signs whose meaning is closed to us."

Here's what struck me: for most of my life, I have been struggling to understand the reasoning behind patterns of disappointment in my life. We all have this classic problem: things look like they're going well, and then something happens. Maybe for you it's academics, or internships, or summer plans. Maybe, like me, it's relationships (more on that in person). Regardless, this is part of the human condition: bafflement. Why do these things happen to me?

Merton reminded me that God's will is perfect and holy, and rather than trying to figure things out all the time, we should recognize the signs of mystery and appreciate them. It's not hard, either - whatever your problem du jour is, that's your sign of mystery. "Why am I not married yet?", "Why didn't I get that job that I was well-qualified for?", "Why did that person betray me?". Those are mysteries.

Why can we accept mystery? Because God works all things for the good of those who love Him. He is radically beyond us in wisdom and justice, and yet He has become radically intimate with us through Christ.

So yeah. Mystery. Probably a good thing for us Westerners to remember.

As always, (non-anonymous) comments are welcome.

Peace,
Sam
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for a ruthless critcism of everything existing

Today i read an essay of Marx by that title. Naturally, i enjoyed it. Here are some of my favorite parts:

"But if the designing of the future and the proclamation of ready-made solutions for all time is not our affair, then we realize all the more clearly what we have to accomplish in the present - I am speaking of a ruthless criticism of everything existing, ruthless in two senses: The criticism must not be afraid of its own conclusions, nor of conflict with the powers that be."

"We do not want to say to the world: 'Stop fighting; your struggle is of no account. We want to shout the true slogan of the struggle at you.' We only show the world what it is fighting for, and consciousness is something that the world must acquire, like it or not."

"So, we can express the trend of our journal in one word: the work of our time is to clarify to itself (critical philosophy) the meaning of its own struggle and its own desires. This is work for the world and for us. It can only be the work of joint forces. It is a matter of confession, no more. To have its sins forgiven mankind has only to declare them to be what they really are."

Good old Marx. Tonight was a fascinating lecture at the CSC by professors of astronomy and economics on how religion interacts with their scholarship and teaching. Very enjoyable, with, of course, good discussion at the Copper Monkey afterwards.

JT passed this along to me. It is, perhaps, the greatest thing ever composed by Sufjan.

The various tests and readings have gone pretty well...lots more ahead, though.

Peace,
Sam
P.S. Hopefully soon I will rant about the state of Liberal Arts in the University, a la Sommerville via UF's budget crisis.
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send your name from my lips like a signal flare

i'm sitting here listening to the mountain goats. they are quite fantastic. i may go see them with devon in november.

i have a french test tomorrow and came across this poem in my textbook. i really like it. here is my attempt to translate from the french:

"breakfast"

he put coffee
in the cup
he put milk
in the cup of coffee
he put sugar
in the café au lait
with a little spoon
he turned
he drank the café au lait
and he put down the cup
without speaking to me
he lit
a cigarette
he made circles
with the smoke
he put the cinders
in the ash tray
without speaking to me
without looking at me
he rose
he put
his hat on his head
he put on
his rain coat
because it was raining
and he left
under the rain
without a word
without looking at me
and i, i put
my head in my hands
and i cried.

- jacques prévert

i just love the rhythm of the poem, especially the last stanza. the staccato, the short phrasing - you can almost feel the awkward silences of this meeting.

i got back on fbook for a while solely to promote my blog. i hate - loathe - the news feed, though. it is a monstrosity. and apparently anyone can join now. ugh. we'll see how long this lasts. no one was reading my blog, though, except for a few regulars.

i've been immersed in marx lately. and i'm trying to read american jesus by thursday. wish me luck.

peace,
sam
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Sunday = Happiness

This was a good day. I went back to the Greek Orthodox Church. The priest wasn't there, so there was no liturgy, but it was still nice. A few of us went to the 43rd Street Deli - the real one. Delicious. I had a really good conversation with the guy who took me to church about language. He's a linguistics grad student who has lived in Russia and South Korea.

Since I was in the mood, I determined that I would explore various language things. I'm so addicted. In addition to studying French, I'm currently dabbling in Italian, German, Spanish, and Chinese. Yes, I have officially begun my studies of Chinese - and by "begun," I mean that I am doing a tiny bit as often as possible. Soon I will be able to say such lofty phrases as "Hello" and "How are you?" I was practicing the tones today. I love it - it's like a three-dimensional language.

Being the nerd that I am, I discovered these wonderful sites:

Chinese Tones
Chinese Characters (This site is absolutely amazing.)
BBC: Real Chinese
ChinesePod
Study Spanish

Mmmm, language...

Then I got to spend time with the amazing Rachel, who has recently returned from Spain. It was so nice to catch up with her. I missed her a lot.

After that, Alan and I made some dinner and watched some Lost. By the time we were done, the music team had showed up for practice. It was a good time. Now I'm just getting ready for bed.

Nothing too exciting, but a lovely Sunday. I have a crazy week ahead, though...

Peace,
Sam
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Who would have guessed?

"The essence of what the prophets call 'idolatry' is not that man worships many gods instead of only one. It is that idols are the work of man's own hands - they are things, and man bows down and worships things; worships that which he has created himself. In doing so he transforms himself into a thing. He transfers to the things of his creation the attributes of his own life, and instead of experiencing himself as the creating person, he is in touch with himself only by the worship of the idol. He has become enstranged from his own life forces, from the wealth of his own potentialities, and is in touch with himself only in the indirect way of submission to life frozen in the idols.

The more man transfers his own powers to the idols, the poorer he himself becomes, and the more dependent on the idols, so that they permit him to redeem a small part of what was originally his...Idolatry is always the worship of something into which man has put his own creative powers, and to which he now submits, instead of experiencing himself in his creative act.

They are man's creations; they are valuable aids for life, yet each one of them is also a trap, a temptation to confuse life with things, experience with artifacts, feeling with surrender and submission."

- Erich Fromm, "Alienation," in Marx's Concept of Man

I never knew Marxists knew so much about me.

Peace,
Sam
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Looters' Follies

You can huff and you can puff but you'll never destroy that stuff.
Finally, I see why, I suppose...
Kid, you better change your feathers cause you'll never fly with those things...

In These Nights... The boys sing - "Hello, emptiness! I heard you're alright.
I heard you're alright.
I've heard of you..."

A body aching, fragile, and pale: dark valleys house its trail.
Why can't you see that a life in art and a life of mimicry -
it's the same thing!?!

The room was crowded, and though you couldn't care less about it,
That much was true.
That month - another version of this miniature Rome to set fire to.
Why did we stop f*cking around?
Girls like gazelles graze.
Boys wearing bells blaze new trails in sound.

I looked up.
I looked around.
A famous Toronto painter shot me down.
"Oh, I've busted my ass on these streets too long," he said.
I set fire to the bed and tore his gown...

Felt some mercurial presence, hitherto unknown.
It was the sun. It was a stone falling through blank space.
It was that jewel-encrusted roan getting in my face.
Looked across the way to The Princess Rooms.
I saw brides and their grooms.
I heard the sound of bells ringing!

Cinders look back fondly upon a house on fire when across
an ocean we go.
We row and we row and we tire.
Now, step out of the darkness and into the light.
Yeah, it's common knowledge I've been doing alright.
No, I can't complain.
On the Eastside, midwives' lives go down the drain all cause our babies are dying...

I lifted the veil to see nature's trickery revealed as pure sh*t
from which nothing ever rose cause nothing ever could.

I swear somewhere the truth lies within this wood.

I swear, Looters' Follies has never sounded so good.

And, win or lose - what's the difference?

- Destroyer
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Come on, feel the Illinoise!

Oh. My. Gosh.

I just had the craziest 24 hours I've had in quite a long time. And keep in mind, this is coming from a guy who said, "I think I'll go to Chicago" one weekend and ended up hanging out with Emily.

Around 11:30 am yesterday, Chris, Sarah, and I began a trek to Atlanta to see Sufjan Stevens - by far my favorite American musician. The trip went smoothly, and was filled with shady gas stations, lots of pictures, assorted indie and classic rock music, beef jerky, bottled frappucinos, and laughter. We got to Atlanta somewhere around 4:30 or 5, and drove around for a bit. We ended up eating at the infamous Varsity, thanks to the directions of Chris Gerrard. Chris and Sarah weren't impressed, but I had a good time. I mean, come on, the frosted orange is delicious. We did get hats, though, and we marvelled at the doorless stalls in the bathrooms. Sarah asked this one woman to take a picture of the three of us, and the woman said something like, "Oh, I thought you were going to ask me for a donation or something, and I was like, 'Eww!'"

So then we parked somewhere near The Fox and met up with Chris' friends from RUB. We wandered to a sub shop and hung around for a while. At some point, both Kathleen and JT stopped by to say hello. What a crazy thought - Kathleen, Chris, JT and his crew, RUB folks, Sarah, and me all together at a sub shop in Atlanta. On a Wednesday.

At some point we did more wandering around, and we met up with Emily's sister Megan. That was so much fun, and it was fitting, you know, since I had met Emily's cousins in Illinois. I mean, why would I meet Emily's family members in Florida? That's just lame. We grabbed some coffee and then headed to the show.

I can't even begin to express how amazing this concert was. My Brightest Diamond was, by far, the best opening act I've ever seen. Sufjan came out with about 14 other people - a string section, a brass section, a percussionist, guitarist, bassist, and someone playing a celeste. Sufjan himself alternated between piano, guitar, and banjo.

Despite some sound problems that got resolved eventually, I think he played the perfect set: Sister, The Lord God Bird, Detroit, Casimir Pulaski Day, John Wayne Gacy Jr., Abraham, Palisades, "Majesty, Snowbird" (a new song), Jacksonville, A Good Man is Hard to Find (hooray for Flannery O'Connor!), Seven Swans, The Transfiguration, Chicago, Romulus, That Dress Looks Nice On You.

The range of emotion at this concert was just incredible. Casimir Pulaski Day and John Wayne Gacy were poignant and sad, Palisades built up into a wall of sound that engulfed everyone, and Chicago was like a large scale celebration of one of my new favorite cities. His new song was pure genius, and about 10 minutes long. Romulus was just him on piano, and That Dress Looks Nice On You was a very low-key acoustic performance.

Amazing.

Did I mention that the band was dressed as butterflies, and Sufjan was dressed like a bird? Seriously. They had wings and masks.

We got back to Gainesville around 4:30 am. The ride home was filled with Dark Side of the Moon, Parachutes, Furthermore, Why Should the Fire Die?, and attempts to sleep and/or keep Chris awake.

What a crazy day. So much fun.

Hopefully I can get some sleep and attempt to catch up on my work. I have a paper and exam coming up. Yikes.

Peace,
Sam
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"Peace between the ears. That's why I come."

Today I had to begin an assignment for my Religion junior seminar. It consists of attending a religious ritual, talking to people who attended, and then writing a paper. I originally wanted to go to a mosque, but the best time to go was during class on Fridays. I decided, instead, to go to a Greek Orthodox church. That's been on my agenda for a long time, so this paper was a nice reason to go.

When you walk into the temple, which is shaped like a cross, you immediately leave the material world and enter into a more transcendent place. There are icons in the front and back, candles being lit, and the faint smell of incense.

The liturgy is very engaging, very participatory. It alternates between Greek and English (at this particular parish), which gives it a bit of an otherworldly feeling. One of my favorite lines, which is said often in the liturgy, is: "Let us commit ourselves and one another, and our whole life to Christ our God."

The whole liturgy is building up towards the Eucharist, the mystery of the body and blood of Christ. Several people I talked to said that this was the purpose of the Sunday morning experience (I was cautioned by several people not to call it a service). "It's a celebration of the resurrection," said a few people, and the celebration has its climax during Holy Communion.

I talked to a few people about what their faith expressed on Sunday mornings mean to them. Most could not give me an answer. One person said it best: "If I could explain to you what it means to me, then it would be worthless." Another man gave it his best shot, though. He had grown up in the Orthodox church, and eventually made it his own faith. He said that what kept him coming back was the feeling of peace - "not peace in the world, peace between the ears" - that he felt.

There seems, in Orthodoxy, to be a continual theme of the sacred permeating life, but not mixing with it. "Orthodoxy never stops," said one man. Prayers, fasting, and vespers (a service in the middle of the week) all contribute to the constant devotion to the sacred that culminates on Sunday mornings with the Eucharist, union with Christ. Do Protestants feel like this? There's been a lot of talk over the past few years in American Protestant Christianity about not being a "Sunday morning Christian," about "Jesus wanting all of our life," about "God not being put in a box." But what does that actually mean in a tangible sense to a Protestant? To an Orthodox Christian, it means tangible, real things - like a prayer rope, or the smell of incense, or an icon. What do we Protestants have?

I enjoyed going, and I enjoyed talking to people. I'd like to make this a habit - going to different religious experiences and talking to people about them. It always helps me learn a bit more about myself, about my religion.

Recently I've been feeling like my personal faith is too rational. It's too intellectual. This, I suppose, springs from Presbyterianism being quite rational and intellectual. What I specifically mean is that I rarely feel like anything is sacred. Evangelical Protestantism tries it's best to affirm the value of all parts of life. It attempts to blur the lines between the sacred and profane (profane meaning secular, not religious) so that we see that all of life is sacred in some way. All things were created by God, therefore all things have some element of sacredness. "The holiness of the ordinary," as Walker Percy (a Catholic) once said. I fear, though, that in doing this we've actually lost any grasp of the sacred. The lines have blurred too much, and the profane has penetrated too deeply into the lives of American Protestants.

There is a part of the Divine Liturgy of Orthodoxy that says that we ought to lay aside the cares of this world. One man told me this is when he feels like he moves into the sacred. He feels that we have entered a different world, one where supernatural beings reside. Indeed, I felt like time had stopped, like I was hidden away in a new world.

How can I feel like I'm in a different world when I go to a church that meets in an elementary school? How can I feel like I'm in a different world when a laptop has to be used to run the service?

Thoughts?

Sam
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mmm books

First of all, today is Tony's birthday. I'm so glad this guy was born. You all don't even know.

Anyway.

There are few things more enjoyable in life for me than a recently acquired book. This means that today was splendid in that regard, as the following books arrived at my door:

American Jesus: How the Son of God Became a National Icon
The Beloved Community: How Faith Shapes Social Justice, from the Civil Rights Movement to Today
Bobos In Paradise: The New Upper Class and How They Got There
Habits of the Heart: Individualism and Commitment in American Life
The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth
Devil and Commodity Fetishism in South America
The Sacred and The Profane: The Nature of Religion
Body of Power, Spirit of Resistance: The Culture and History of a South African People

Some time in the next few days these two should be coming:

The Future of an Illusion
Making of the English Working Class

I'm not going to bother to link all of those, but if you want to know more about any of them, just ask.

Consider this: by the end of the semester, I will have read all of those. Yikes. Only American Jesus and Bobos in Paradise are pleasure reading (for the CSC reading groups).

I'm also reading Sommerville's latest book, The Decline of the Secular University. It's very insightful.

I love books and I love reading. Sometimes too much. The beginning of the semester is so exciting for me because I have an excuse to buy more books (which is normally a no-no for someone like me who already has way too many).

I guess thats all for now. I have a lot of reading to do this weekend. I'm also going to a Greek Orthodox service in order to write a paper for one of my classes. I'm sure I'll be blogging about it.

Peace,
Sam
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is it true looks can kill?

"Tell me where it all went wrong
Maybe I can make it better
Tell me where it all went wrong
Don’t you know that you really upset her
When you act like a man who is cross with every woman he’s never had
If it’s true looks could kill and you will be the first to make me mad
Then you’ll have to go

Is this the kind of fate you could contemplate
A breakdown at my very sight
I promise hidden words of tenderness in every single line that I write
Still you act like a man who is cross with every woman he’s never had
If it’s true looks could kill and you will be the first to make me mad
Then you’ll have to go
Maybe you’ll have to go

Is it true looks can kill?"

- Camera Obscura, "If Looks Could Kill"

I feel like Tracyanne Campbell (singer) could have written this song to me, for reasons that I will leave out of the blogging world.

They were in Chicago the night before Pitchfork. I was so close to seeing them.

Today was alright. The highlight was having Krishna Lunch with my friend Devon. She was tabling with FACE (Feminist Activists Creating Equality), so we ate there. It was pretty fun hanging out with them. I like talking to people from radical organizations. It makes me feel like a revolutionary.

CSN meeting tomorrow. I'll keep you updated.

Peace,
Sam
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Self-Titled

"I [am] bound in spiritual longing by the romanticism of revolution. I am inspired by it. I am fascinated by it. I am completely absorbed by it. I am crazed, I am obsessed by the romanticism of the revolution." - Sukarno, 1960

The desire for revolution is one of the few things I can still feel these days.
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"It's like 80 proof wisdom."

This title is courtesy of the one and only Charlie. He was talking about Thomas Merton's book No Man Is an Island. Tyler has convinced a few of us to have an informal reading group for it. I've just finished chapter one, and I agree with Charlie. Merton is like a shot of rum for the spirit, especially because you don't realize the full effects until you've closed the book after a reading.

Speaking of interesting books, I'm reading one called Islam Observed: Religious Development in Morocco and Indonesia for my Religion & Social Change class. It's really, really good. Here is one of my favorite passages:

"Religious faith, even when it is fed from a common source, is as much a particularizing force as a generalizing one, and indeed whatever universality a given religous tradition manages to attain arises from its ability to engage a widening set of individual, even idiosyncratic, conceptions of life and yet somehow sustain and elaborate them all.

When it succeeds in this, the result may indeed as often be the distortion of these personal visions as their enrichment, but in any case, whether deforming private faiths or perfecting them, the tradition usually prospers. When it fails, however, to come genuinely to grips with them at all, it either hardens into scholasticism, evaporates into idealism, or fades into eclecticism; that is to say, it ceases, except as a fossil, a shadow, or a shell, really to exist."

- Clifford Geertz, Islam Observed

Feel free to provide your thoughts.

I've determined that college students use under 20 adjectives regularly. So, grab a thesaurus and join me in at least finding words to use instead of random, intense, cool, interesting, and ridiculous.

So far, I've come up with unplanned, arbitrary, casual, chance, erratic, accidental, extreme, acute, fierce, potent, extraordinary, chic, trendy, sophisticated, absorbing, engrossing, fascinating, riveting, gripping, compelling, captivating, engaging, enthralling, stimulating, thought-provoking, intriguing, laughable, comical, absurd, hilarious, risible, farcical, ludicrous, and droll.

I had better go catch a bus home.

Peace,
Sam
P.S. We had a brief but productive CSN meeting today. Progress is being made every day.
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(Not) Laboring Days

"I am not on a mission to add happy icing to the cake of your decision for Christ." - John Piper

Isn't that an awesome quote?

I had a really cool weekend. Saturday was the game, which wasn't fantastic, but it was the first game of the season. Go Gators. Sunday I attended St. Andrew's and had a very, very good experience there (more details in person).

I am feeling infinitely better. I'm sure it's not the end of my problems, but I am thankful for the relief, regardless of how long it lasts.

Last night a couple of friends came over for dinner, then came back later for some serious hanging out. They stayed all night. The funny part was that we just sat around and talked after watching a couple of movies. It wasn't anything fancy, but it sure was fun.

Today we bought a washer and dryer. I am so excited; they get here tomorrow. I can finally wash my clothes.

JT came over today to practice. We are (hopefully) playing at Engage 2006. If you don't know about this event, you need to:

Name: Engage 2006
What: A tabling fair for Christian ministries oriented towards service.
What Else: There are a few musical acts performing, including (cross your fingers) myself with my good friend JT.
Who: Tons of people. It's sponsored by Christians Concerned for the Community. Lots of great ministries will be there. Rumor has it CSN might make a guest appearance (but that's for you find out for sure).
Who Else: YOU and all your friends.
Where: The Christian Study Center (Off W. University on 16th St.)
When: Friday, Sept. 8, 7 pm -10 pm.

Hope to see you all there.

Peace,
Sam
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Thoughts on Myself

I think I ought to fill in everyone on some things that are going on with me that I don't understand.

Many of you may know that I struggle with depression, hopelessness, despair, discouragement, etc. I've dealt with those things in some form for as long as I can remember. I can remember being depressed in elementary school, depressed in middle school, depressed in high school. In college things got worse. Hopelessness and despair decided to hang out with me, and discouragement carpooled with them.

In the past few months, things have again gotten worse. Much worse. I'm not sure what's going on, but the frequency and intensity of these battles have increased dramatically. Most people just keep asking me, "What do you have to be sad about?" Or they try to point out all the great things that are going on with me. This isn't a circumstantial problem, though. That's what's so dangerous and mysterious about it. This is an entire state of being - a separate personality (though not in a clinical sense) - that takes me over. I know that I have a wonderful life. My needs are provided, my family loves me, I go to college. I have good friends. I have a God who loves me. I believe all of that (most of the time).

But that's not the issue. I gave up on the whole "I hate my life" thing early in high school, when a friend of mine told me about his parents' divorce and all the pain it had caused. That's only been confirmed as I've studied human rights abuses, poverty, famine, and plague.

So here's what I've noticed. Things that I enjoy are slowly diminishing in number. Even playing the djembe has stopped providing pleasure for me. Spending time with friends has started to become less and less enjoyable and more anxiety-producing. I don't know why. I don't love my friends any less. In fact, I have come to love them more due to my summer research experience. But I've noticed that once I get around a group of more than five people, I flip out. If I can escape, I do. If I can't, I try to summon as much energy and humor as I can to hold on until it's over. Then my psyche reacts to that massive effort by settling into intense anxiety, alienation, and despair.

I've also become aware of funky things with my memory. I have had a hard time remembering things I've said or done unless something was extremely emotionally intense. I've also recently started to have difficulty remembering emotional responses to things or people. I can't really remember if I enjoyed something yesterday. I can't remember the intensity of being offended a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure why this is. The power of the depression is like a blanket that keeps smothering the flames of my emotions.

This means that the main emotion I remember on a daily basis is intense sadness. It also means that I don't trust my memory anymore. Don't get me wrong - I have a powerful memory. I can remember details and major concepts for a long time. What I've noticed, though, is that when I try to recall events or feelings that involve myself, my memory just stares right back at me blankly. I've had several friends tell me something I've said or done that's offended them or made them happy and I can't remember it at all. Once they remind me, I can perhaps remember a snapshot, but nothing more.

I'm not saying any of this to make anyone pity me. I don't need pity. I'm just hoping that this will help explain (not excuse) behavior you may have noticed in the past couple of years (and particularly the past few months). And who knows, maybe someone out there is feeling something similar.

Also, I typically don't need advice. I've been dealing with depression and it's buddies for about 15 years (seriously, I can remember these feelings as a little kid). I've read books, I've listened to sermons, I've changed my diet five times, I've experimented with sleep. I know just about every approach to these things. A lot of them work for a short period of time. Inevitably, though, I lose the battle.

There's a whole lot more that I could say on this subject, particularly from a more personally spiritual side. But I'll leave that outside of the public domain. Just ask.

Also: yes, I have given up on facebook and aim for a period of time. I typically do this during the school year in order to save my productivity from being completely lost. Have no fear, the phone is near.

Peace,
Sam
P.S. More CSN updates soon.
P.P.S. John Piper's site has gotten a major facelift. They've put up 25 years worth of audio, video, and text that's available for free. It's amazing.
P.P.P.S. Derek Webb is a genius. He's offering his entire new album for free here.
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Weberian Wisdom

"The people filled with the spirit of capitalism today tend to be indifferent, if not hostile, to the Church. The thought of the pious boredom of paradise has little attraction for their active natures; religion appears to them as a means of drawing people away from labour in this world.

If you ask them what is the meaning of their restless activity, why they are never satisfied with what they have, they would perhaps give an answer, if they know any at all: 'to provide for my children and grandchildren.' But more often and, since that motive is not peculiar to them, but was just as effective for the traditionalist, more correctly, simply: that business with its continuous work has become a necessary part of their lives. That is in fact the only possible motivation, but it at the same time expresses what is, seen from the view-point of personal happiness, so irrational about this sort of life, where a man exists for the sake of his business, instead of the reverse."

- Max Weber, The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism

This is going to be a good semester.

We had another CSN meeting today. The goal gets closer every day.

Peace,
Sam
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The Past Few Days

Well, the first week is over. It's been pretty crazy. Thursday had some pretty amusing moments. For example, I went to a class that I thought was Medieval Studies but was actually 19th Century Europe. The funnier part was that for some reason I was actually registered for 19th Century Europe instead of Medieval Studies. How did that happen?

I also had an amusing French experience. I went to FRE 2420 (Second Year French Conversation) and the professor had us do more introductions. This time, though, she asked us questions (in French, naturally). The jig was up. She started asking me why I am a religion major and if I'm religious. I had nothing to say - I just sat there blinking at her and saying, "Quoi?" It was pretty awesome, especially since I didn't think to just respond in English to show I understood.

I took the SAT II on Thursday and I did alright. I placed into "Preparation for Intermediate French," for which I have now successfully registered. I'm still pretty worried about it. My ability to render French is so much weaker than my ability to read it. Oh well.

Friday consisted in going to various classes and getting my cell phone operational again. I have such a love-hate relationship with those things. However, then I went with Alan to the RUF party at Steven & Co.'s place. It was pretty fun, but too many people for my taste. They did have some excellent food, though.

I slept in today, talked to Mom for a while, and then went to a barbeque Matt was having. It was a lot of fun; lots of great food and people. I got to meet a lot of people that I heard about for months and have some very thought-provoking conversations.

Tonight I may be having coffee with some SE friends and then heading to a party. Should be fun.

I'm not in a very insightful mood right now. I did have some interesting conversations over the past few days, but I'm still digesting them and figuring out what to think about them. Hopefully you'll hear more from me soon.

I've really been enjoying The Mountain Goats recently. They just came out with a new album and it's very enjoyable. I've also just downloaded the new album by My Brightest Diamond. I'm excited.

I have some serious textbook purchasing, calendar updating, and iPod overhauling to do.

Peace,
Sam
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Quoi?

So today was perhaps the craziest first day of school I've experienced. However, before I delve into that, I have to promote Little Miss Sunshine. It's a great movie, and I saw it with several of my favorite people. I haven't laughed that hard in a theater since Napoleon Dynamite. But it's not primarily a comedy - it has a great plot. I even cried at one part. I'll leave it to you to figure out which one. So, go see it and then talk to me about it.

Okay, so Day 1 of fall semester. I woke up around 8:30, had breakfast, took a shower, and headed to campus. It took about 20 minutes to get there by bus. I walked over to the RUF table in Turlington to hang there for a few minutes with some of the RUF crew. Then I walked with Will H. over to Matherly to sit in on a Chinese class. That was a fun experience - particularly when I had to take a placement test and left the entire thing blank. I would absolutely love to take Chinese. Why? For several reasons: I love China, I love missions to East Asia, it's the most spoken language in the world, and China is going to be the one of the most influential countries in the world very soon. Hopefully I can switch into a section that works with my schedule. We'll see.

After Chinese I met up with Chris, Sean, and Emily. Chris, Sean, and I had some good old fashioned Krishna Lunch (regrettably, Emily did not join in the fun). All was right with the world at that moment -- except that we were caught in the middle of a freaking monsoon. From there I headed to the CSC to hang out with Pat Sell. What a guy. We had a great conversation.

I traveled in the monsoon to Matherly, where I went to a Medieval Latin class. I don't know whether I'm going to take this one either. The first few weeks sound pretty interesting, but after that...I don't know. However, my friend Katie (who rocks my socks off) is in it, so I may be persuaded to stay. I just don't know.

After Latin, I headed to Anderson to sit in on a French class - FRE 2200 I might add (NOT FRE 1130). This was the most humorous part of my day. I walked in and realized that the entire class would be in French. I will say, proudly, that I understood about 30% of it - at least enough to know what was going on (which was just explaining the syllabus and such). Then she started having people introduce themselves. At first it was just voluntary, but then the professor decided to have everyone do it. So it gets to me. I blink a little bit, think, "Pull yourself together man" and bust out with "Je m'appelle Sam. C'est mon troisiemme anée. Mon...(insert professor helping me)...specialization est religion." It was pretty funny, but I think I pulled it off. However, she then had an activity for us all to do. You know the type: everyone has to get up and find a person who has done something on this list that she gives everyone (gone to a French country this summer, took a French class this summer, etc.). I could read everything on the sheet, but the jig was up whenever some happy girl would bounce up to me and say, "Bonjour! Avez-vous...?" I would have to lean in and mutter, "I...can't...speak...French...." But I left with a smile on my face. Tomorrow I'm going to take the SAT II and try to place into some sort of class.

So then I walked to Little and attended a linguistics class. This was extremely interesting, but I don't think I'm going to be able to take it. Then it was time to begin the trek home. And I do mean trek. For starters, I waited a good 20 minutes under Little until the torrent of rain eased up. Then I walked to the Hub and got on the bus. Little did I know what was in store.

The bus ride took an hour. Seriously. An hour. On the bright side, I made a new friend. Her name is Jessica. She is cool. I somehow managed to invite her to both RUF and Krishna Lunch in the course of our conversation. It was fun.

I stopped at the apartment to eat some dinner, then Chris and I went to Bagel Bakery to see our friend Melissa (who records with Justice Road) and the infamous Mo Leverett from Desire Street Ministries do an acoustic show. It was great. Melissa is such an amazing musician (and an amazing woman, for that matter). I was sad she didn't get to play piano/keyboard, though. Oh, and of course Mo was awesome.

So that was the first day. Pretty fun. I need to do some serious schedule altering, though. Pray/think happy thoughts that things would work out. I may be dropping the history minor - I am pretty in love with languages and feel like I need to invest more time and energy into them (Chinese and French in particular).

Oh, and here's a CSN update for those interested: Chris, Matt, and I met up yesterday for several hours and hammered out lots of details, content, and logistical things. It's starting to really look good. I'm excited. We're going to meet again soon.

Peace,
Sam
P.S. Does anyone else feel like there is a Rachel-shaped hole in their heart? She really needs to be in Gainesville. Bah.
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paul & renoir

The past few days have been a blur. I did a lot of unpacking, so I finally feel moved in. The apartment is really nice. So far I'm enjoying living off campus.

Yesterday I hung out with my friend Devon. She's a delight. We went grocery shopping at Mother Earth on 13th, then went back to her apartment to make some pasta and salad. It was delicious. We also shared the stories of our summers. She did a lot of road tripping with her family and then did a study abroad program in Mexico. Very exciting.

I had a very interesting experience when she took me home. Only the windshield wiper on the driver's side is functional on her car, so I rode the entire way watching the rain make patterns of color on the windshield. It was like driving through a world composed of impressionist paintings, not unlike those I saw in Chicago. Traffic lights were especially cool, as the greens and reds would literally flood the windshield as we approached them and then vanish when we passed. It was beautiful.

It's the little things, you know?

It reminded me of that verse where Paul says that we see dimly like in a mirror. The world is just an impressionist painting compared to redemption. One day we'll see clearly, but for now we're just riding in a car with a broken windshield wiper, trying to piece together reality from blurs of color.

After Devon dropped me off, Ryan came over for a while. It was so good to see him and catch up. It's going to be good having him in Gainesville, even though he won't be on campus anymore.

Tonight is some sort of RUF Leadership thing. I'm going even though I'm not "officially" on leadership. Should be interesting.

Peace,
Sam
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Back in the Ville

So I'm back in Gainesville. It's been great. I'm trying to write this blog with the sliver of battery power I have left.

The apartment is fantastic. Last night we had a few people over and caught up. Today some friends of Alan's from Jax came over. We joined Steven, Brandon, and Chris and attempted to go to a river, but aborted when it started to rain. We ended up at Steven & Co.'s apartment for a while. Then we all went out to Chopstix (adding Sean, Steve M., and Pat Sell to the mix), which was delicious. It was good to be back. I love those guys.

That's all for now - these few days will just consist in unpacking and reuniting. Oh yeah, and then school starts. Whatever.

Peace,
Sam
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Last Night in Orlando

I'm too tired to write much right now, but it would be a shame to not post on this last night in Orlando.

I spent a good amount of time tonight with lots of friends, old and new. I love them all.

More from me from Gainesville, I promise.

Peace,
Sam
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A Blog Post with a Witty, "Random" Title

Today was a very bizarre but good day. While running errands, I bumped into several old friends from middle school and ended up eating a late lunch with them at Five Guys. Wow, what a fun time. I hadn't seen most of them in ages.

I later ended up at Starbucks with several friends, where Alex was confused for Jonathan twice in one night and Mara's older brother was sitting within 3 feet from her for a solid half hour before we noticed.

Sorry for the stretch of uninteresting posts. I've just been lazing around these days. Once school starts, things will pick up.

In other news, Matt is home from camp, which hopefully means more reading material in the near future.

Unfortunately, that's all I have for you. You should probably just go listen to an episode of This American Life or something.

Peace,
Sam
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super furry animals

I'm going to leave it to you to decipher that one.

Today was an excellent day. Not only did I get some laundry done while talking with the Housworth (yes "the" Housworth) online and listening to NPR, but I then met up with Steven for lunch. Correction: Steven the Warrior. He is back from Kenya, and we had a most enjoyable discussion about missions, life, growing up, and Gator football. It was great.

Then I picked up JT. We spent a bit of time at a McDonalds (shudder), which was transformed into a good experience due to the conversation and the company. After finishing up there, we headed to my house to make some music. It was yet another successful time. JT and I have spent a great deal of time together this week and it's been very good. I am really grateful for his friendship.

To top off the day, Sarah (the sister, as the Ruff is not anywhere nearby these days) and I went on another quest for coffee and/or desert. We started our journey at (shameless plug ahead) Primo Bean, which is down by Gators Dockside on Dr. Phillips (take note, Orlando folks). They had just gotten rid of their drip coffee (it was closing time), but we were able to snag some delicious gelato. Man oh man. It was good. Apparently they have food in the day time, too. And the owners are very nice. I will be going there soon to try their coffee. Of course, then I will bug them about going Fair Trade.

We needed coffee, though, so we ended up at the Barnes & Noble Starbucks-type-thing. It was pretty good, but I'm missing Sweetwater like crazy. Anyway, it was great to spend some time with the sister.

So that's all for now. I'm sure I could come up with something more interesting to talk about, but right now I'm relishing the last days of summer.

Peace,
Sam
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we're not scaremongering

So, unless you've been living in a cave, you'll know that there has been another plot uncovered. This time, unlike the ridiculous Sears Tower scare, it actually looks real.

Unfortunately, the mass media and the government are having a field day exploiting the fear of the people. And, conveniently, this will most definitely be used to bolster midterm elections. And, conveniently, coverage of Lebanon is difficult to find today.

And have you noticed how the mass media still goes nuts AFTER the threats have been taken care of?

Mass hysteria. I'm pretty sure that's what everyone wants around here. I'm not saying this wasn't a real threat - in fact, I'm pretty convinced it was (which is rare for me these days) - I'm just saying that I feel like we're in the middle of a fable called "The Country Who Cried Wolf." It was originally titled "How to Keep Citizens Paralyzed by Fear," but the publisher didn't like it.

Bush also made the tremendous blunder of using the term "Islamic fascists" in a recent speech. Good news - you can now be considered a threat due to yor religion AND your political views!

In other news, "WTF, China?"

Chinese officials plan to slaughter more than half a million dogs.

Also, as an update to my rant on corporate ownership of online friend sites, I was wrong about MySpace. It's owned by News Corp. now, but you know them better as Fox. You can see the full ownership of this giant here. It's only a matter of time for Fbook. Check this out.

I also shudder at this line from here (which is apparently impossible to link to):

"IPG will also be able to use the site as a data mine for trends in youth consumer habits, by conducting market research on the site."

Pray/think happy thoughts for Tony and his family, as they will attempt to fly home from across the pond on Sunday.

Oh, and don't think that just because the summer is coming to a close that I won't continue to rant on this blog during the year! I'll be posting quite regularly.

Peace (and I do mean peace),
Sam
P.S.
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Back in Orlando

Sorry it's been a few days. I'm back in Orlando, where I no longer have constant internet at the tips of my fingers (which is probably a good thing).

I got home safe and sound on Saturday night. After showering and changing clothes, Jenn picked me up and we went to Starbucks for a while. That was lovely, and eventually JT, Mike, and Jonathan showed up. Jenn left sometime after 11, but the rest of us sat outside of Starbucks for a solid two hours talking about theology and politics.

JT and I have resolved to hang out more and play more music together for the umpteenth time, but this time we feel like it's really going to happen. Yesterday we grabbed some lunch and then he came over to jam for a few hours. We're going to collaborate on a few songs.

Technology annoyance #1342: the fact that I can accidentally click on a variety of things on my screen and launch an application by accident or completely lose an email or message.


I also realized that fbook has gone completely corporate, and it's bothering me to no end. There are tons of advertisements now, and they want your birthday "for safety reasons." Whatever. And have you seen the "back to school" section? It's sponsored by Wal*Mart, Bank of America, and a host of other massive corporations. The section is just a host of advertisements. I don't know how much more I can take. Fbook used to be a way for college kids to stay in touch, not a massive advertising and marketing research dream for retail stores:


Can't I message a friend from elementary school without being worried about corporate tools writing down the fact that I listen to Devendra Banhart? I just picture a bunch of 45-year old white men sitting around discussing the "Facebook phenomenon" and how to take advantage of it to gather information about "all those hip youngsters."

I'm sure they're selling all kinds of information. How else can they continue to operate? MySpace got out by Verizon. I'm sure Facebook will be next, at which time I will deactivate my account forever. The only corporation that can make me their pawn is Apple, which is why I'm currently watching a keynote from their latest conference.

Peace,
Sam
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The Last Day & Sam as a Berry Wannabe

So today was the last day here at Notre Dame. I took my French exam, which went well, and then went to mass at the Basilica. I also ate lunch at Greenfield's as a celebration. Then I kept on packing.

I've been thinking recently about how technology inhibits us (or at least me) from real life. Examples:

• Addictions to various web sites (fbook, YouTube) or services (AIM). How much time have I spent online that I could have been spending doing something real? I don't mean your average half hour of fbook or AIM time...I'm talking hours and hours a day out of "boredom" (as if there's not always something better to do).

• The frustrations that come with computer mediated communication (this phrase trademarked by masantos). How many times have I had ridiculous misunderstandings due to the lack of the ability to communicate emotion via computer?

• Preoccupation with taking photos instead of just experiencing things. I often wonder how this sort of "phototourism" has affected our memories. Every time I take a photo now I have to wonder whether it's better to be experiencing this memory through the lens of a camera or through my own eyes (irony: I will always experience things through a lens of some kind). This phenomenon decreases the longer I stay in a place. For example, I spent much of the first two days at ND taking pictures, and then I stopped for the remainder of my time here. That way I got photos and memories, instead of one or the other. By the third trip to Chicago, I didn't need to keep taking photos of downtown.

• Preoccupation with sharing and storing photos that leads to hours of tagging, cropping, editing, organizing, and captioning. I'm getting fed up with this one. The more photos I take, the more mind-bogglingly time consuming it is becoming to make sure I can find any photo instantly, share it with the rest of the world (complete with a short description of the events depicted), and make sure the lighting and coloring is just right.

• Obsession with acquiring music via computer. MP3s/MP4s/etc. are dirt cheap compared to buying CDs or vinyl now. Monthly subscription services like eMusic, stores like iTunes, and various other sites can cause me to spend hours and hours acquiring new music. What I fail to realize is that I then must listen to said music. In the past 6 months, I've legally acquired about 3 days' worth of music -- that's 72 hours! Can you imagine me listening to music for three days straight?

• This then fuels the iPod addiction. I purposefully left my iPod at home when I went to Chicago last weekend, and I had some very interesting experiences. I left it precisely because I noticed my fear of boredom. So for all of last weekend, I rode trains and busses and walked for miles without any musical stimulation. Guess what happened? I talked to strangers. I noticed the sounds of the city. I thought. I prayed more than I had in months.

• The fact that I have to constantly keep track of these things. In addition to having to worry that my PowerBook is safely locked inside of my room, I have to make sure that my camera (and its memory cards), my cell phone (and its charger), and my iPod (with its various accessories) are all safe and secure. Since I've inherited my dad's borderline obsession with making sure things are secure, I check my pockets and backpack at least 30 times a day to make sure things are in place. I laugh about this a lot, and I've been making steps of progress to change this. When I was in Chicago, something quite humorous happened that will forever impact this quirk of mine. I had my hand in my pocket making sure my train ticket hadn't magically leapt out, when I tripped on the curb (this was somewhere near Randolph St.) and almost fell headlong. Due to the fact that my hand was on my ticket, it flew out of my pocket and onto the street. The irony was beautiful.

• The discouraging wealth of information online that causes me to be constantly discontent with my education. Let's face it: Wikipedia and Google have pretty much revolutionized the world (to the point that I don't even have to link them). If you didn't know, Blogger is owned by Google. However, constant access to any body of knowledge I could desire is deadly when combined with what Charlie and I have deemed my "consuming obsession with constant self-improvement." I often wonder what my life would be like if I didn't know that at the click of a button I could have all of China's history in front me. This subject becomes especially frustrating given my reading comprehension from a computer screen is dismal compared to reading print. I thought Podcasts would change this for me, but I currently have 5.7 days' worth of Podcasts on my computer.

The moral of the story: technology is a market. It's built off of discontentment. You'll never share or see enough pictures. You'll never hear the newest music. You'll never read enough on a subject. You'll never have the latest and greatest. You'll never be efficient enough. You'll never be connected enough to your friends or to strangers. You'll never learn enough. You'll never be informed enough.

That's just a sampling. I could go on for hours. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of technology and the wonders of computers. I love the fact that I'm now in touch with friends from elementary school. I love that I can see pictures of my friends in everywhere from Greece to China at the click of a button. I love being able to blog so everyone can keep up with my life, and I love being able to read other peoples' blogs to keep up with their lives. I love how technology has revolutionized music composition (for the most part). I love free sermons and lectures.

But what happened to the days of mistakes in music, of knowing that you may never hear some music again after a concert, of knowing you may never see a place again except in your memories? What happened to just sitting in silence for a train ride? What happened to listening to the same 10 records over and over again?

That's my two electronic cents.

What sparked this post was the fact that I have attempted to upload more pictures for non-fbook people. It was quite a frustrating experience. They aren't tagged or captioned, and for some reason a lot of them got out of order. Oh well. Here they are:

Random Trip to Chicago
Journey to Lake Michigan
Pitchfork: Day One
Pitchfork: Day Two

Sometime soon I hope to post on what Brian Habig has deemed "the idol of the next fun thing on the horizon." I think he's onto something important for college students. My thoughts on that some time in the near future.

See you in Orlando.

Peace,
Sam
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Blatant, Unapologetic Promotions

This post is going to be full of simple, unabashed promotion.

First, the messages from the 2006 RUF Summer Conference. They're pretty enjoyable. If you subscribe to the Podcast, you can hear the Vandy crew doing some music. It's all highly recommended for everyone.

Second, I hereby recommend Jessica Ducey's blog. She's spent her summer in Israel and Palestine, and has some very interesting things to say. Agree or disagree, it's a fascinating read.

Third, I'm a big fan of the song "How Deep the Father's Love for Us" by Stuart Townend. It keeps coming up this summer. I have yet to find a recorded version that I like as much as when we play it at RUF. Regardless, here are the lyrics:

"How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom"

(©1995 Kingsway's Thankyou Music)

Also, it has recently come to my attention that in my post about "things I miss about Florida," I forgot to mention my beloved Steamers. I apologize. I will eat there in the first week of class, without a doubt.

That reminds me. Speaking of local restaurants in Gainesville, this page is really spiffy.

I also forgot to mention fireflies in my "things I will miss about this summer" list. There are so many other things. I was in the library tonight attempting to translate various New Testament bits from French, and it hit me how I'd be leaving the library soon and never coming back (at least not for a long time).

Okay, I'm done. Enjoy. Tomorrow is a big day of lastness. I had better get some sleep.

Peace,
Sam
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STOP WHINING!

You know what bugs me? At the Subway in LaFortune, the person working is required to begin adding vegetables to your sandwich by offering an ambiguous "not a question but not a statement" of "Lettuce, tomato, cucumbers?" This leaves me in an awkward position, since I don't like cucumbers on my sandwich and spinach is in the same section of the counter. I end up saying something like, "No cucumbers but I do want spinach," which causes them to ask, "Do you want lettuce and tomato?" The whole process is very inefficient. Today I simply responded to the initial question with, "Lettuce, tomato, spinach." The second part of the process is just as cumbersome (this is where Sarah would say, "CUcumbersome?"). "Olive, pickles, and banana peppers?" "No, but I would like onions, green peppers, and jalapenos." It's irksome.

Which brings me to the next section of this post. Last night's post was pretty whiny, so let's balance it out with Things I'll Miss About This Summer:

• Flowers at Notre Dame.
• The widespread pride at ND.
• Having immediate access to 80% of the books and movies I desire.
• Seeing statues and pictures of Christian symbols without being nervous that someone is going to take it down or be offended by it.
• The refreshing lack of Turlington preachers.
• The refreshing lack of repeating the same conversations during the ravings of Turlington preachers.
• The shocking and ironic fact that I went to more parties at ND in seven weeks than I have in two years at UF.
• Hanging out with my roommate JB and his friends.
• Prof. Louis MacKenzie's crazy stories about his life as a cultured, former-hippy Francophile who has been married for over 20 years and has lived in France multiple times. [Editorial: I wonder what would happen if he had a conversation with Mario Poceski from UF?]
• The Grotto and the Basilica.
• Trips to Chicago whenever I darn well feel like it.
• Knowing that I am two hours away from virtually any band I could ever want to see live.
• Yeah, pretty much anything and everything about Chicago.
• Local businesses in South Bend and Chicago.
• The private school way of life.

Of course, I won't miss:

• The private school way of life.
• Eating microwaveable food out of plastic dishes at least once a day.
• Supplementing said food with Subway at least three times per week.
• Having food stolen from me out of the fridge on a regular basis. Who steals apple sauce?
• Knowing a combined total of ten undergraduates and graduate students.
• Not having a church.
• Not having a car and not being within walking distance of anything.
• The fact that everything closes by 8 pm on campus.
• Being charged for anything and everything.
• The assumption that I'm an idiot because I am from the South AND I go to a state university.
• The look of disdain when I tell people I go to UF (mostly Urban Meyer-related).
• Feeling continually guilty for not being as productive as I ought to be.
• Feeling continually stressed out about the timing of financial matters.


And, finally, what I look forward to in Florida in no particular order after the first item:

• Family and friends.
• Lunch at Tijuana Flats with Chris on Sundays.
• Christ Community in Gainesville and River of Life in Orlando.
• Talking to Chuck.
• Staying up until 3 am with Steven and Alan.
• The permanent air mattress that Alan and I will reserve for Steven.
• Hearing about Steven's time in Kenya while fearing for my life at his new-found warrior status.
• Praying in cars.
• RUF music.
• Meeting freshmen and showing them around.
• Starting revolutions on campus and in Gainesville.
• Leonardo's, Caribbean Spice, Pita Pit, Satchel's.
• The CSC and coffee from Pascal's.
• Gator Football and Basketball.

I could go on for hours. This is the part where Chris would tilt his head back and to the right, shrug his shoulders, put his hands up, and say, "Go Gators."

Well said, hypothetical Chris, well said.

And, as a sort of "summary statement" about this summer: I feel like it was a great success overall both academically and personally. It's just been successful for different reasons than expected, which is how life always is.

Peace,
Sam
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