"There's no blood on my hands, I just do as I am told."

(title from Wilco's Spiders)

The past week or so has been quite an experience. I have been doing a lot of soul-searching, having some really good conversations with my friends, family members, and pastor, and learning a lot about myself.

I am thinking about who I think I am, who I really am, how I got to be this way, and who I want to be. That covers a pretty hefty amount of territory, but it has been very helpful, very healing.

It's a time of reflection on manhood, fearlessness, courage, compassion, and wisdom, and how all those things relate to me or should relate to me. I'm piecing together my history as a human being through delving into my relationships with my family and figuring out what they really mean and how each of them have affected me - for good or for ill (something I don't know if I've ever really done).

I'm thinking a lot about fear. Fear of relationships, fear of vulnerability. Where does it come from? The fall of man, I believe. Apparently there's a book called The Silence of Adam by Larry Crabb that's supposed to be about this stuff and is supposed to be good. Anyone ever read it? I will check it out soon.

There is something deep inside of me - and I think all men - that calls me to be a William Wallace and tells me that I - and I think every Christian man - am called to courage and wisdom and compassion. Not only that, but this voice (none other than the Holy Spirit) whispers to me that I am such a man through the grace of God and the blood of Christ (for this man cannot ever really exist without regeneration).

We are called to "fight in the darkness" as Crabb puts it (so I hear). We are called to take risks. And I don't just mean risks like jumping out of airplanes for fun (which is still cool). I mean hard risks - risks with relationships (all together now - *shudder*).

This means not being afraid to face the garbage that is sin that we so often call prettier names, like "my personality" or "my past" (how often have I used those phrases to hide my manipulation, my passivity, or my fear!). Guess what? Your relationships and my relationships of any kind are all screwy. There's one thing I've learned when it comes to other human beings: if it's easy it isn't real, and if it's real it isn't easy. C.S. Lewis taught me, though, that it is far better to have a more accurate image of another human being than a more comfortable one.

And that's what manhood is all about. More accurately, that's one of the many things Christianity is about. It's about being able to face the most painful sin of all - the pain of relationships in a fallen world - and realize that neither of you (whether friends or lovers) have anything to offer each other except brokenness, except the continual need to face the Cross, except the hand-held in the grip of betrayal or heartbreak, except the tears that come from redemption.

Good night, my friends.

Sam